LOL Contest from Bet Phoenix Casino - $1,000.00s Free!

Hi Everyone,

Bet Phoenix Casino

This is a Deposit only contest exclusive for Latest Casino Bonuses members.

The promotion is the following, make any deposit between now and August 25th and participate in the our amazing Joker contest.

We have created a special bonus for this contest, although you don't have to use it to participate, any deposit, using any bonus, or no bonus, will quality:

777% Reload Bonus - Usable up to 10x
Min Deposit $35, max $300
35x playthrough on deposit + Bonus
Non-Cashable
10x Max Cashout On Deposit
Coupon: LCBCONTEST

Now, the idea is that for every deposit you make, you get to post 1 joke on this thread. On August 25th I will come and choose the top 10 jokes. Of these, we will set up a poll so that the Latest Casino Bonuses member can decide which is the best joke!

The winner will get a $777 Free Chip. Places 2-5 win $200. Position 6-10 $100. Everyone else will win a $35 free chip.

When you post your joke, make sure your post your deposit date. You get 1 entry per deposit.

Username: wanton
Deposited July 28th

Two campers are hiking in the ds when one is bitten on the rear by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. The friend runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."

username: colywog
deposited: 7/27/10

SIGNS YOU HAVE GAMBLING FEVER:

1. You help your four-year-old learn math by teaching him to count cards
2. When your addiction counselor says he thinks "the odds are good" that you will beat your gambling problem, you see it as a reason to immediately call your bookie
3. You lose your wife in a poker game; you lose your mistress going double-or-nothing; and now they refuse to let you bet your hooker
4.  You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
5.  When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
6. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
7. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
8. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
9. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
10. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
11. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace.
12. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."

HAHA colywog those are great.  Thanks Nicholas you are constantly bringing us contest and ways to earn free chips even when there is already another opportunity going.  No other casino comes close to treating it's players as good as BetPhoenix in my opinion.

user name macendra
deposited 7/27/10
Two best girl friends played softball together their whole life. while sitting in their rocking chairs in the nursing home one day they asked each other if they thought there would be softball in Heaven.  the one lady died, leaving the second lady alone, and one day she hears: Ruth, ruth, it's me Helen. Helen, you died! Yes, I know but I have good news and bad news for you. What, what is it? Well the good news is there is softball in Heaven,but the bad news is Your pitching on Tuesday!

user name macendra
deposited 7/28/10

What type of phone do prisoners use in jail?

A ceil phone.

my username: csjequ
dep. 29-07

Lets play chicken
 

This is a transcript of a real conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadians: Please change course to 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

Americans: We recommend that you change course to 15 degrees north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. They'll have to change course to 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. naval vessel. I repeat: change YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I repeat. Change YOUR course.

Americans: - THIS IS aircraft carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest VESSEL IN THE AMERICAN ATLANTERHAVSFLÅDE. WE ARE dining with THREE DESTROYER, three cruisers and numerous HELP OTHER VESSELS. I demand that you change course to 15 degrees north, I repeat 15 degrees north. IF NOT DO VI TAKE OUR countermeasures to ensure our vessel safety.

Canadians: - This is a lighthouse. Their answer?

username:csjequ
28 july

A small misunderstanding. . .
   

A sailor comes up to the captain: "We have a stowaway with what we do with him?"
"Throw him overboard as usual!"

Sailor salute and go again. Soon after he comes back. "Captain! What should I do with his white cane? "

Huh?

I don't get it either



:-*

oops as a good friend pointed out it's spelled CELL PHONE sorry.

user name macendra
deposited 7/29/10

my granddaughter wanted me to post this one,
why is six afraid of seven? cause seven, eight, nine.

sorry guys but she's so cute, she was born 1lb4oz and shes eight now and perfectly normal, truly a miracle, so granma had to make her happy. but hey it is cute.

it mamrone...give her a kiss for me



:-*

huh! you dont get it, why?

In Denmark blind people walks with a white cane, so everybody knows the cant see.

"Blind" passenger on a ship, blind man with a white cane. The captain thought it was a "blind" passenger, but it was a real blind man.

Did Google not translate it right since you didnt understand it?

Oh ok...I get it now..lol so sorry

Good luck with the contest!


:-*

i think something got lost in the translation there

I remember telling the joke "A girl was driving to Disneyland and saw the sign 'Disnelyland left' so she went home
I had translated it into a different language and it completely didnt work as the direction left and the departure left werent the same word in the other language

user name macendra

ooops sorry
user name macendra
deposited 7/30/10

A Lion in the jungle captures a large bull, kills it and devours it completely, he feels so good, he lets out a large roar. A hunter hears it and tracks the Lion, shoots it and kills it. moral of the story  If you are full of Bull it is better to keep your mouth shut!

user name macendra
deposited 7/31/10

Long ago when men beat the ground with sticks and cursed, they called it witchcraft. today they call it Golf!

Ok so i play a lot and make deposits everyday!

How I Learned To mind my own business

I was walking past the  "mental hospital" the other day and all the patients were shouting, “13! 13! 13!”
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little knot hole and decided to look through it to see what was going on . . .
And some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting “14! 14! 14!”

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf..
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,after a while, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children.
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,and says:

Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf

user name macendra
deposited 8/1/10

you know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks!

i didn't deposit but have a good joke-

"Bet Phoenix!"

my apologies in advance-no take care of me/us, no deposit, just a giggle for my buds and a challenge to prove me incorrect.

LMAO...So funny...because I was stationed on the Lincoln cvn-72 for 3 years!! And I believe it's true! Nobody ever said you had to be smart to be in the Navy.lol

user name macendra
deposited 8/3/10

A young man left a bar after several shots of tequila, he was so inebriated he was walking with one foot on the curb and the other foot in the street. An officer of the law stopped the young man and said, you are obviously drunk and I'm am going to have to take you in! The young man asks, are you sure I;m drunk? The officer said absolutely, thank God the man said I thought I was crippled!

okay...they took my challenge so I take back my bad joke up above and if I can deposit soon enough I'll post a good one and take my chances. Maybe an aggie joke??

username wanton
deposit 8-5

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

username: acgofer
deposited 8/6/10



Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake uo until nine!"

user name macendra
deposit 08/06/10

A man walks into a phyciatrist office wears nothing but a pair of shorts made of glad wrap.
The phyciatrist says to the man "well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Username MommyMachine
Deposited 08/12


The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.


We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..


Here's how it all went.


My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

LMAO

:-*

acgofer
deposit 8/14

A 7 year old girl approached her Dad and asked, " Daddy, what's sex?"

The Dad was taken back by his daughter's question, but figured it was time to have the birds and the bees talk with her. When he was done explaining sex to his daughter, the little girl just stood there with her jaw open, and not blinking. Dad said, "Honey, is there something wrong?"

The little girl replied, "Well, I don't understand. Mom said that dinner will be ready in a few secs."

acgofer
deposit 8/6

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not even a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Allgood2010 08/16 (If this doesn't count as a joke I will change it)

Redneck Computer Terms

Hard drive -  Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem -  How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.

user name macendra
deposited 8/16/10
While in Vegas a lady was down to her last $100 after losing a lot of money. while crying in dispair, a gentleman told her to bet her age and see what happens. As he was walking away he heard a loud noise, thinking the lady won he walked back to the roulette table and saw the woman lying on the floor. He asked what happened and the dealer said that the woman put all her money on 29 and fainted when 39 came in!

username: acgofer
deposit 8/16/2010

A company has decided to make icecream with Viagra in it.
No more Mr. Softee, and they dont even have to change the names of the icecream:
"Creamsicle"
"PushPop"
"the Rocket"
...and for the not so well-endowed, there's "Good Humor"

user name macendra
deposit 8/17/10

A little boy asks his father, Daddy is God a man or a woman?
Both Son God is Both
The little boy goes back to his father and asks Daddy is God black or white?
Both son God is Both!
after awhile the little boy comes back to his father and asks his father Daddy is Michael Jackson God?

user name macendra
deposited 8/18/10
where does the one legged waitress work?
At IHOP.

user name macendra

ooops sorry ok lets try this again user name macendra
an other deposit 8/18/10
Two woman decide to go out for a few drinks. After one two many cocktails, they decide to walk home, on the way they realize they really had to pee. the one girl says to the other lets go over here in the cemetery. After doing their business they realized they had nothing to wipe with. The first one used her underwear and threw it away, the second one however had very expensive underwear and decide to use a ribbon she found on a wreath of flowers.The next day one of their husbands calls the second one and states this girls night out has to stop! Last night my wife came home with no underwear, that's nothing stated the other husband, my wife came home with a ribbon that said "from all of us here at the firestation we'll never forget you!"

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting...'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'


Booo73

username wanton
deposit 8-19

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a
highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old
lady.  She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he grate-
fully munches up.

After a while, she taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats
this throughout the trip.

Finally, he asks the little old lady why they do
not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that
it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not
able to  chew them.  "Why do you buy them then?" he asks
puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate
around them."

user name macendra
deposit /8/29/20

what kind of ship doesn't sink???


friend-ship

acgofer
deposited 8/19

Two old ladies on a park bench. Guy walks up and flashes them. One old lady had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach that far.

Deposit Dates: 
8/15
8/16
8/18
BoomBoom777 username at BETPHOENIX

#1: Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.


#2: A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.

"You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."

"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."


#3: 

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

this is coming to an end soon! how will they pick the winners???? anyone know

user name macendra
deposited 08/20/10

while getting ready to take off his plane the pilot noticed that a new stewardess was missing. Knowing the hotel that all personal stays at, he calls her room only to hear her crying on the other end of the phone. What's wrong he asks, she states that she can not find the way out of the room, because there are only three doors. One for the bathroom, one for the closet , and an other one the says "Do not distrub"

 A down and out man asked a passing stranger for $5 so he could stay the night at a hostel.  The man asks, "Will you buy booze?"  The beggar says, "No. I promise -  I don’t drink."  "The man says, "Will you gamble it away?"  The beggar assured the man, "I have never gambled in my life."

 
"You must come home with me,” demands the man.  “I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble!"

August 19th..allgood2010

yep it's me again what can i tell you I love this casino
user name macendra
an other deposit 8/20/10

three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven. they are greeted by Peter at the gate who tells them that before they can go in they must answer a question, but don't worry he says they're easy. The first nun is asked, what was the name of the first woman, that's easy she says Eve, that's right come on in. The second nun is asked, where did the first woman live, that's easy she said the garden of Eden, that's right too come on in. The third nun was the mother superior and is told her question would have to be more difficult. Peter says to the third nun, OK what were the first words Eve said, she replies, wow that's a hard one, you're right he says come on in.

acgofer
(redeposit) 8/19

A guy gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop says, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The guy says, "No officer. But your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

LMAO 

01-august-2010 username chef86

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”