Post your Halloween 2012 jokes here! Let's get giggling

All you need to do is post your best halloween jokes in this thread.

Give your fellow LCB'ers a good laugh

I will start things off:

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
"Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

I wonder if the first teenage werewolf thought he played with 'it' too much?

why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

because he had no guts.

Masked Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a Halloween Party. Wife got a bad headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He begrudgingly agreed and she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed.

He put on his costume and headed for the party. The wife woke up an hour later and felt much better and since it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her him to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all!

Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to,
sure had a real good time!"

LOL

Man driving down a long dark road sees a nun on the side walking.
He pulls along side her, and says 'Sister, I'm a good Christian, and it hurts me to see you walk alone unattended here. Let me drive you".
She climbs in, nodding and smiling, thanks him and they drive the hour into town.
"How can I thank you, sir? asks the nun.
"Well, gosh", he replies, 'it's shore been a long time since I felt the touch of a woman".
She quickly unzips him, takes care of business and zips him back up.
When they get in town, she hops out and thanks him.
He calls out to her, "Hey, by the way sister. I lied. I ain't really a Christian".
"Oh, that's ok", she calls back. "I'm not really a nun. My name's Steve and I'm going to a Hallowe'en party."

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

Great jokes everyone!!

LOL Thanks for great jokes!

Here's another one:

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

LOL

Why don't angry witches fly their brooms?


They are afraid of flying off the handle.

Why Pumpkins are better than Men?

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you.

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up a new face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you already know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head so there are no surprises.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

Lmaoooooooo the man vs pumpkin had me howling at the moon!!

Where some more Halloween Jokes???

why didnt dracula have any friends
he was a pain in the neck

Hihihi

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily
systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed
put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the
hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and
swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard,
(barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched
the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the
heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just
beat the shit out of a ghost.”

Love that one! Made me giggle

lol

Beethoven Symphonies

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with awalker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"