Addiction

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    MommyMachine

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        MommyMachine

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        Addiction is a nasty disease. It gets ahold of you and it is almost impossible to break yourself from its grip.

        I have fought the addiction demon for most of my life, and today I am still fighting.
        Both of my parents were addicts, my father was murdered over drugs, and my mother was high when she took her own life.

        I almost lost my life to this disease. I came within weeks of losing my children forever. I was an ugly person inside, and I didn't care who I hurt as long as I got high. I wasn't a good person, mother, friend, or daughter.

        I was addicted to Meth for 4 years. I am proud to say that I am clean and sober today, I have been clean for 4 years in December. I know it's not that long, but everyday that I stay clean I feel so much stronger.

        I am a different person today, and although I will always be an addict, I am glad to say that addiction doesn't control me anymore.

        I will continue to fight.


        :-*
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        drpsyce38

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        Praying for you.  As a psychologist who used to help families dealing with addiction, you sure have the right attitude!
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        Imagin.ation

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        Mommy.. i umm.. feel you dearly.. i write a journal.. im going to show you my front page..

        As i sat there... pouring my quiet affliction, the silence devouring my avid addiction...
        My mind wandering to distant places... trying to keep up with that "extacy" of mine...
        Bearing my will through time untold... driving myself insane, how good it felt...
        Looking up, i only found a pale dark sky, I... slipping through like a hole in glittering sand..
        My life was here... represented by this void, and endless dreams i never had...

        I'm going to try to write about this bitter/sweet... i get emotional because i lost so so much
        It's hard to understand, the only one that could is one thats been there.... strong enough to survive..
        To have the strength to let go... you have to hold on.. getting to sober is only half as hard as staying there..
        Just having no drugs or alcohol in you doesn't mean your okay and it's all better... its a slow process..
        Theres alot of paranoia and confusion, you're in disarray, things don't look, sound or feel real...you were drunk or high all the time...
        Causing ill choices and wrong descions, it's like sitting in a fog.. slowly it subsides revealing... my gosh.. the shocking everything..
        You don't jump back into life as if it was so suddenly clear and beautiful, though it is..you'll come across all that was ugly as well..
        At nitemarish porportions, you can't run.. you face it.. look Vivi.. look what you done to yourself.. your body shakes and craves, your mind has been tossed and lost, ashamed, alone in fear... your heart and soul aches for freedom.. the mirror is taking you half way there...
        This is where it begins, your first step... your first descion to just do it.. the mirror knows you're not afraid, do you really want to die?
        Okay.. now it's time to learn to live..

        High.. The descending sweetness..
        Aboard the round river raft, spinning the journey from atop the valley.. downward winding on a rapid river boat ride, "let me off" you'll scream...
        sick and dizzy, that begins to fade... with no thoughts, no direction, just blurred recycled non-reality..all matters obsolete
        loving losing your mind.. the thrill standing still.. the blurr becomes your best friend, into this world you are obscuring,
        escaping life as you know..you find yourself again and again waiting in line without patience.. for what will become your favorite ride....

        He comes to your door and wants you to play, so you cautiously agree and say..
        "ok", but "only this once"..you tell him real stern, "theres alot about you i don't want to learn".
        You play for a while, its just for fun, but little do you know the games just begun.
        See, once you agree to go out and play, you give up your freedom, and he leads the way.
        You'll say "its no big deal, i still have control"... but little by little he lures you to his hole.
        Before you know it, nothings the same, you're ashamed and embarressed to even admit your name.
        You'll have no money, no pride, no soul but still you'll insist, "i've got control"
        Its been what seems like years gone by since that first day, you have few memories, since you started on your way.
        Theres been nothing accomplished, the bills hardly get paid, and you.. you're always afraid.
        Locked in your room... "i've still got control" you'll suddenly find your own self betrayed..
        You take it easy for a week or so, but then he comes back, and you can't say no,
        he laughs and he laughs, he knows you are weak.. he totally gets off on making you tweak...
        The enemy game..

        I'll be back to write more.... i'm going to add more daily, my mind is still hazy
        i'll add as it comes to me, then i'll put it all togther, so it might seem a little scattered for now...

        This is my front page.. you're not alone..    :'( ... but as you i am proud where i am now..
        Thank you for sharing Mommy.. my prayers are in..
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        Hi Mommy,

        I want to commend you on your courage to write what you did. You are such an inspiration for others. Your candid personal experience only gives me the greatest respect for you!

        I am proud to know you have been clean or four years. Addiction is something that is a up hill battle for the rest of your life. You are proving that your climbing that hill straight to the top!

        Your life my darling sweetheart has been a rough road. But you have persevered and your  reward is a great family. I admire you for not being bitter given the heartache you have endured.

        If you stood before me now i would give you a great big hug!!! Thank you for being such a wonderful, sincere and warm person within our LCB family!

        Lips
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        ishin

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        MommyMachine wrote:

        Addiction is a nasty disease. It gets ahold of you and it is almost impossible to break yourself from its grip.

        I have fought the addiction demon for most of my life, and today I am still fighting.
        Both of my parents were addicts, my father was murdered over drugs, and my mother was high when she took her own life.

        I almost lost my life to this disease. I came within weeks of losing my children forever. I was an ugly person inside, and I didn't care who I hurt as long as I got high. I wasn't a good person, mother, friend, or daughter.

        I was addicted to Meth for 4 years. I am proud to say that I am clean and sober today, I have been clean for 4 years in December. I know it's not that long, but everyday that I stay clean I feel so much stronger.

        I am a different person today, and although I will always be an addict, I am glad to say that addiction doesn't control me anymore.

        I will continue to fight.


        :-*


        ...youre not alone in this struggle
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        toodleedoo

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        Wow mommy, very straight to the gut with this.  I'm sorry you went through all of that.  I'm a child of druggies too.  I never did drugs, probably because I was an only child and we literally moved every 6 months or so town to town, (I think so I wouldn't get taken away and they would lose government funds) and i learned to blend in and be the adult in the family.  I learned to be alone all the time, even when they were there.  I learned that my friends could never come over because that would mean my 'parents' would have to not do drugs for one night.  I remember talks like 'you can't say that stuff Lyn, do you want to go live someplace else?  Do you want them to come take you away from your mom and never see her again?'  So I learned silence.  I was out on my own at 15 though, not because I had the problem, but because they finally gave in completely and lost all electricity, power, food, jobs, etc. and were basically camping at their trailor doing meth.  The final straw was when I woke up in the middle of the night to find a stranger sitting on my bed going through my things smoking a pipe.  I moved in with friends so I could graduate a year and half early from high school.  I guess I went the opposite direction, I hated them and I hate drugs, yet they formed who I am I guess.  My stepdad (never met my real dad big surprise) died of liver cancer, and I found out that the docs didn't help him much because they kept finding crank in his system.  My mom died 2 years ago of lung cancer, she made it the longest, but she killed herself too, in a way i won't go into right now.  So I feel you, I do.  Addiction has manifested itself in gambling for me but I recognized that years ago and got some counseling to help sort it all out in my head.  Now I can enjoy playing, and it doesn't control me.  You almost never stood a chance because you had almost no role models, yet look at you!  You're a great mom and friend and person.  I'm happy to know you.
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        toodleedoo

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        Imagin- beautiful writing, thank you for sharing.  I got chills when i read it because it is so familiar watching my family members.  I remember my mom climbing the walls literally when she was out, it was awful.  You are so strong, and so brave to share your personal feelings and thoughts.  Thank you.
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        Ahhh tood......you too are an awesome person. You are always keeping it real and it is what i most admire about you. I have followed you and read your blogs.

        There is a lot to be said about coming from the school of hard knocks. There is one of 2 paths to take being brought up in it. The ones who choose the right path are the teachers of the world. In so many cases, i feel that these are the most real and genuine souls among us. It takes pain and sorrow that builds fine character and gives them wisdom.

        I sense your wisdom and your strength and i must say i am proud to know you and have you as part of the forum as well.

        Lips
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        Imagin.ation

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        toodleedoo wrote:

        Imagin- beautiful writing, thank you for sharing.  I got chills when i read it because it is so familiar watching my family members.  I remember my mom climbing the walls literally when she was out, it was awful.  You are so strong, and so brave to share your personal feelings and thoughts.  Thank you.


        Well, me like you i spent my life hating drugs and alcohol.. i grew up with family members who did use them, that reflection and those memories kept me away.. and their lives to this day are in shambles (shame and scramble).. but i fell, there were things that were happening in my life and for some reason i felt it was all i had to turn to.. this is recent for me..in secret, nobody knew.. it was 2 years i spent a slave, in those 2 years i lived for it, and i would die for it..strange to have only that to live and die for.. but in my life its all i cared for.. its all that existed..
        A horrible thing happened that devasted and horrified my brother who found me, it took that to reveal as Mommy said, how nasty this disease is..

        Toodle and Mommy, both of you are commended and admired greatly.. it is a strong battle either way.. but we win..
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        MommyMachine

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        It is an uphill battle indeed. I am lucky enough to live in a place where it is no longer around me. In Vegas it was everywhere...I remember spending my time downtown wondering where I was going to get my next high. Or where I was going to stay for the night... UGH. I am soo glad that is behind me.

        I met my husband 5 years ago, he was working as Security at the Gold Spike Casino downtown Las Vegas. He has never done drugs, and he stood by me through the worst of times. He actually had a HUGE part of me getting clean and getting my children back.

        Imagin. I know where you are at right now, and stay strong, we can beat this!

        Toodle, I thought when I was growing up I would never touch the stuff because I seen what it did to my parents, I was wrong, I became them.



        :-*
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        MommyMachine wrote:

        It is an uphill battle indeed. I am lucky enough to live in a place where it is no longer around me. In Vegas it was everywhere...I remember spending my time downtown wondering where I was going to get my next high. Or where I was going to stay for the night... UGH. I am soo glad that is behind me.

        I met my husband 5 years ago, he was working as Security at the Gold Spike Casino downtown Las Vegas. He has never done drugs, and he stood by me through the worst of times. He actually had a HUGE part of me getting clean and getting my children back.

        Imagin. I know where you are at right now, and stay strong, we can beat this!

        Toodle, I thought when I was growing up I would never touch the stuff because I seen what it did to my parents, I was wrong, I became them.



        :-*


        Before this, it was me who pulled so many friends out of their bad situations, the lectures i told, the help they needed, the shelter and strong hand and mind they needed to stay away.. I pulled my daughters father from so many of those places on Fremont.. where he sold his jewelry, food, our VCR's, telephones, TV's, while i'm at work he would take all my money (i made tips) even my car once.. my car, my livelyhood.. i'd have to go in and pay to get these items back, a drug dealer holding and having my stuff i worked hard for. The shame and the tongue lashing i would put him through, the anger and not truely understanding caused more... his guilt would keep him straight for a while.. but.. he was back again before long..we broke up it was one of the reasons..i was so anti-drug.. insisting i would never live my life with someone who did them and a person who didn't think me and my daughter were enough to stop... how wrong i am..
        I once took a friend right up to the doors of drug rehab which she fought very hard, making every excuse..she was so bad off on that hard hard, that dirty dirty.. she had sores coming through her skin.. the poison from it.. she went in.. within a few days she left.. vowing never to do them again.. a promise she broke..
        When i go back and think about this.. that for it to happen to me.. leads me to beleive it can happen to anyone.. the first time it is your choice.. the next is not..
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        august2153

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          Mommy...may God Bless you and yours.

          (and all of us who need his help)
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          MommyMachine

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          My sister is still in its grips. She lost everything, her home her job, and now her children are gone, they have been adopted, and she can't see them. I wish I could help her, but I believe you have to want it for yourself.

          She has hepatits from IV drug use, she is homeless, and I am scared for her. Please pray that she overcomes this disease before it is too late.

          :-*
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          I feel ya Mommy, i have 2 older brothers(same mother different fathers whom they lived with for a while) one was 8 ballin and drinking, slipped into a coma for 45 days, this was his first encounter with it being a medical condition, when he awoke he had been diagnosed with hepatitis and diabeties brought on by his alcohol and drug addition, he's joined AA and he went sober.. but even with this he slipped back so many times. My other brother was an alcoholic,addicted to gambling and did drugs occasionally, but also ended up in the hospital him being diagnosed with scorosis(am i spelling that right?) liver disease also having hepatitis this one is missing for about 5 years now..he lost everything as well.. and just went to walking the streets.. we can't find him anywhere, he doesn't even know our mom passed.

          My youngest sister is addicted to pain killers (all kinds) and mixes that with speed, thing with her is she is very level headed..hard to explain her outside self seems to have it under control.. this is if it is around she does it if not she doesn't..her inside self it could be a different story.. she could be like me and did what i did to hide it as to how bad it is.. so i worry constantly, she lives in another state so it's hard..

          My parents drank on the weekends and would get drunk, we lived in the same house for 15 years, my father was a good example and my mother was the normal housewife mother.. my brothers father was an alcoholic as well and did die from it, it makes me wonder is it somehow this disease be genetically connected?

          I have 1 brother who is straight he is the one who found me he is 2 years younger then me, he's the one who has been my strength and has been by my side through it, his patience, his love and understanding has been a blessing..

          Vegas holds the 3 highest addictions.. gambling, drugs and alcohol and it's everywhere.. it is also the highest transient city..
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          MommyMachine

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          I totally believe that it is genetically connected. I believe that addiction is hereditary. I know some believe it isn't though.


          My sister is also out in Las Vegas, so it's hard for me as I cannot see her. I just hope she wakes up soon. She is only 28 years old, she could still have her whole life ahead of her...


          :-*

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