Best Complaint letter(s)

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        Lootva

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        Well, every now and then we have to write a letter to our ISP, Cable or some other service provider, trying to make a point. Well, this guy did it the right way...



        This letter by Robert Stokes has also been widely published on the web.  It was addressed to British cable company NTL and definitely belongs in the Mr. Angry category:


        Dear Cretins:



        I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.  During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties — or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.



        My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?



        I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes – an activity with which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.  The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools — such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.



        Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it – and begun to pay for it.  I estimate your internet server’s downtime is roughly 35% – the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday and most of the weekend.  I am still waiting for my telephone connection.



        I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers.  I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is  available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.



        Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.  Frankly I don’t care.  It’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me therefore if I continue.



        I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.  That’s why I chose NTL and because, well, there isn’t anyone else is there?



        How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order. BT – wankers though they are – shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.



        Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver.  Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused rage.



        I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat’s litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit — they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.



        Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.



        May you rot in Hell,



        Robert Stokes
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        Johnny Karp

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        "Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game." -- Michael Jordan

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        Oh man, that is a bit too harsh, especially the cat litter addendum... I understand the frustration but setting up such a revenge goes quite a bit beyond a normal reaction.
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        Lootva

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        Well, I believe it was meant to be personal. Not that I would go through any litter box to collect anything to add to my complaints, but hey, sometimes you have to do something out of the ordinary to make a point!
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        Markotik

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        La justice poursuit le corps au-delà de toute souffrance possible. Michel Foucault (Surveiller et punir)

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        That's how we feel about our cable companies most of the time, and he took it one step further sending them a "gift". Well, I would never do that, but good for him.
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        blueday

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          I think NTL went bust and were taken over by Richard Branson's Virgin who are mildly better than NTL could ever hope to be.

          Great letter.  I agree the cat tray "deposits" were just a step too far.
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          Feelin froggy

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          Wow! That man is slightly unbalanced. I've had some bad experiences but never did I take my time to right such a letter and did through my cats poop to make a point. He was obviously frustrated but that's a bit overboard.
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          fried-eggs

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          Why don't you tell us how you really feel! 
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