Colonoscopy humor anyone?!

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    Last post ago about 6 years by allyoop
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      Now that I'm older,I thought it was great that I had more patience...turns out that I just don't give a sh*t!
      Well hello there!!
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        • Avatar 2670


            Sr. Member
          • female
          • offline
          Now that I'm older,I thought it was great that I had more patience...turns out that I just don't give a sh*t!
          Well hello there!!
          • 117
            thanks given
          • 116
            thanks received
          • Started by
            Sr. Member
          • last active 3 months ago
          I just got this in an e-mail.....OMG I can't remember when I laughed so hard!!

          Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami

          Colonoscopy Journal: 

          I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
          for a colonoscopy.

          A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
          colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
          passing briefly through    Minneapolis .

          When Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
          reassuring and patient manner.

          I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because
          my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR

          I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
          a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
          microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
          to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's

          I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

          Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In
          accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
          had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

          Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder
          together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
          (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
          Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because
          MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit
          and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

          The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
          sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
          movement may result.'

          This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
          experience contact with the ground.

          MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but,
          have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep
          experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
          commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to
          the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when
          you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
          MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
          future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

          After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

          The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not
          only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
          occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I
          spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
          Flowers would not be enough.

          At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
          totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
          room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
          curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
          garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
          makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

          Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
          Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
          lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
          MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
          then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
          to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You
          would have no choice but to burn your house.

          When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
          Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the
          17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I
          was seriously nervous at this point.

          Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
          hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

          There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
          'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
          could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
          the least appropriate.

          'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

          'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
          more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
          going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

          I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling
          'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
          back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

          Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I
          felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my
          colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
          internal organ.

          On the subject of Colonoscopy...

          Colonoscopy is no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
          humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
          made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their

          1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

          2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

          3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

          4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

          5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

          6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

          7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

          8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

          9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

          10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

          11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

          12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

          13. Could you write a note for my wife?  Just say that there is no sign
          that my head is up there?

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            Love the list of real comments ally.

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            lmaooooo ahhh you made my day!! This is a keeper!! The comments are too funny too.

            Thanks ally

          • Avatar 2670


              Sr. Member
            • female
            • offline
            Now that I'm older,I thought it was great that I had more patience...turns out that I just don't give a sh*t!
            Well hello there!!
            • 117
              thanks given
            • 116
              thanks received
            • Replied by
              Sr. Member
            • last active 3 months ago
            LOL your welcome Lipstick-xoxos!!

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