HAPPY HALLOWEEN, JOKES AND QUOTES

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dazzlingdebra

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      dazzlingdebra

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      [cToday's Joke
      A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

      She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

      She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

      She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

      He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

      But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"olor=orange] [/color]
    • 1455158 712091978802419 1724984601 n

      Feelin froggy

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      That's a great joke debra!
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      dazzlingdebra

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      Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ....


      10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

      9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

      8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

      7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

      6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

      5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

      4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

      3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

      2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

      and last but not least...

      1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. 


          Happy Halloween!
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      dazzlingdebra

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      Halloween Joke #14 - Naughty Nun...

      ...  A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
      She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
      "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
      She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: First you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."
      The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
      The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
      He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
      "My dear child, why are you crying?"
      "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

      The nun replies "That's okay, my name's Julian and this is just my Halloween costume!"
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      dazzlingdebra

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      Rocky the Trick or Treater

      One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as
      'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave
      him some goodies, he returned for more.

      "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few
      minutes ago?" I asked.

      "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back
      three more times tonight too."
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      dazzlingdebra

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      10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

      1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

      2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

      3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

      4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

      5. I got the best piece from that house.

      6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

      7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

      8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

      9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

      10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!

      Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

      10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

      9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

      8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

      7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

      6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

      5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

      4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

      3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

      2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

      1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

      Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

      1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

      2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

      3. One usually makes a better pie.

      4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

      5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

      6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

      7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

      8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.



      Question: Why don't witches ever have babies?
      Answer: Warlocks have hollow weenies.

      Question: Why can't Witches have babies?
      Answer: Because their husbands have crystal balls >:D
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      blueday

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        I love that first one.

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        Johnny Karp

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        "Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game." -- Michael Jordan

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        These are great Debra, thanks a lot for the smiles!
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        I tell ya debra those are hilarious. Here's my contribution 

        Top 10 Halloween Pick up Lines

        10: Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?

        9: I want to ask you out, but I've got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots. And...

        8: What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?

        7: That skeleton over there said he'd get your number for me, but he didn't have the guts, so here I am.

        6: When I saw you walk in, I got so hot, my skin melted. Literally. Around here, it's an "in" look.

        5: Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

        4: Hey, Baby, did you know they call me "PumpkinHead"?

        3: You look dead sexy. Ummm, you look dead, Sexy. You know what I mean.

        2: Please, Lady, come home with me. You never know what I'll turn into, at midnight!

        1. Pardon me. I hate to interrupt, but you've captured my eye. Could I have it back? It's the only one I've got, to fall in love with you at first sight.
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        Lipstick

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        Great thread i need some comic relief and this surely did it!!

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        Imagin.ation

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        Me: Knock Knock...

        You: Who's there?

        Me: Boo

        You: Boo who

        Me: You don't have to cry about it it's only a joke!

        lmao.. lol

        Loved the jokes, they are fantastic!! Thank You Debra!!!
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        dazzlingdebra

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        Subject: Halloween Costume Party.
        On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
        Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
        Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."
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        dazzlingdebra

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        'TWAS HALLOWEEN NIGHT
        'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,
        With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
        Turned off my computer and thought as I may
        Of vampires of old and vampires of today.

        Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
        Of course trick or treating (hope they don't hand out Smarties).
        And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
        So that old haunted house, I will never go near.

        When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
        And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.
        So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,
        Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.

        Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
        What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
        Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see
        That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.

        Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
        You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
        But be very careful or else you might see
        That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.

        So now you can think, as you turn out that light
        That there's no such thing and that you are all right.
        Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...
        Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?
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        dazzlingdebra

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        dazzlingdebra

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        This Halloween I am Going to be a BANKER

        This Halloween im going to be a banker. ill eat all my candy, all urs, then convince the government that if I dont get more candy we’ll all starve!

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