I Ask For Help/Advice (Personal Matter)

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    Last post ago about 6 years by acgofer
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    acgofer

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          acgofer

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            Hi guys. I'd like some input on how to handle this situation I'm in- without causing any conflict, or loosing a tight friendship. Usually I'm the one giving advice, but after several attempts, I'm out of ideas.

            I purchased a 2002 kia spectra last year off Ebay- cost was $2200(blue book $5000!)
            I drove it to/from work for about 2 months and cracked the box under the car that holds tranny fluid-fluid went dry..and transmission blew! So my car sat in my driveway for just about 1 year. Then paid $1300 to get a new transmission. Got it inspected (April this was that I got it back on the road), and oil change, and drove it for a few days.

            My neighbor/very close friend is a 62 y/o man that had no a/c in his 3 vehicles and asked if he could borrow my car because temps were rising. I said sure, since I also had my Toyota Highlander here. Well, to make a long story short, He still is driving my Kia!!!!!!! I have used the car to go to the airport once, and said'Oh ya know, I really miss my Kia" He said"I understand. Dont worry about it..I'm gonna get my van fixed this weekend"..never happened. I have also dropped about 3 more major hints over the past few weeks..like "so, do you need Dave and I to spot you with some cash to get the air conditioning fixed in 1 of the other cars?"..he said no, no..i dont need money. grrrrrrrrr

            Granted, this summer has been brutal & he's done so much for my family too. So I feel I am paying it forward since I had to borrow my friends car last year when my kia broke(only for a few days at a time though), I also feel like im helping a senior,lol..BUT....what really pisses me off is that he was to borrow the car to get to/from work when it was hot.  Yesterday, it was a bit cool, and he had the windows down, and took my Kia to Richmond to go to the baseball game AND I found out he parked it in downtown Richmond!!!!!! WTH?????

            And, I have driven the car last weekend when hubby took our other car to NJ to visit family, and he has destroyed my baby Kia! There are cigar ashes all over the car, including the ashtray being overflowed, the frame where the a/c controllers are is all pushed in, and the car smells like molded old man sweat! ugh1

            Oh, AND...when I 1st bought the car, when I got the tranny fixed, and when i had it inspected, I had mechanics give it a once over to be sure absolutely nothing was wrong with it.And it was perfect! WELL, 2 weeks ago, the alternator went.Could it be because he floors the pedal trying to goto 0 to 100 up our block every frigin day!!!????? Yes, he paid to get it fixed. But not the point.

            I am at my witts end, and coming very close to running my Italian Jersey Girl mouth at him and just ending it.Apparently, being nice, and dropping hint after hint is not working.

            So I ask for advice/suggestions on how to approach him for the last time today before I lose my mind and my friendship. Either way, I'm sure this will end in hard feelings. I cant let this continue anymore.Hes had and been destroying my car since April now.
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            acgofer

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              Forgot to add...when I drove it last weekend, i noticed it is over 1000 miles overdue for an oil change..so he has put over 4000 miles on it!!!!  >:(
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              chillymellow

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              Go over there, ring the doorbell, ask if you can come in.  Tell him you are sorry to have to do so but need the keys back.  Tell him you are no longer comfortable with the car being driven by someone not on your insurance, or just you are no longer comfortable loaning out your car.  Tell him it is stressing you out and for him to give you the keys NOW,please.
              Lots of people can't understand hints.  I usually don't, but I DO understand when someone tells me what is really up.
              You don't have to be mean or stressed or get angry.  If he won't give you the keys, don't feel bad asking the police to escort you there to get your keys back.  Or, tell him your friend (me) here with NO car would love to drive his van while he putts around in your car. 
              Also look up how much a rental company charges per mile on a rental and tell him you'll need to collect that from him for wear and tear.  Also YOU are liable if he wrecks it and kills someone or causes damages.
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              AC.. very very hard to do, i understand.. his age and him being a neighbor and friend when you need him.. this is a toughy..

              But you have GOT to go over there and ask for your keys, make up something if you have to, "My sister/brother needs the car he can't get to work" anything, something.. The man has something to fall back on.. his own cars, they are only driven to work when he gets inside his place of employment he is out of the heat. I can see that it will get nothing more then worse and worse, as i can see from what you have typed he is disrespecting your kindness and your belongings.

              I'd see it as fine IF there was no damage occuring, IF it was not bothering me IF i was seeing an attemp for him to be fixing his cars, but he has no excuses.. he doesn't need your help or money.. he just wants to USE your car.

              AC put a stop to it before it gets any worse, you won't lose a friend now, but you if you wait any longer you could lose a friend and your car.
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              allgood2010

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              Ok enough is enough..get your car back.  There is being nice and those who take advantage of it.  I guarantee he's not worrying as much about overstaying his welcome with using your car as you are stressing about getting it back.  Whether he needs it more the point is it is your car and you don't need to contemplate on asking for it back or not.

              That is really great of you that you let him borrow it and he is a neighbor who has helped you a lot too.  But if he doesn't need money to fix it which means he has the money to fix his car then he should really be doing the right thing and giving you your car back.  Keep it short and somehow get a deadline set with him as to when you're getting it back..don't give reasons or excuses or when you do you'll be consumed with following up on all those "pretend" reasons or excuses.
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              I say go Jersey on his a** Ok just kidding, but it is high time to take your car back before it is completely destroyed! Just keep it 100 and let him know it has been 5 months and that was not the deal. Tell him you feel a bit taken advantage of and that is not the impression you want to have of him! Tell him he has until xxxxx amount of days(like 1 , just kidding again! seriously though, like 3-5) and you will be taking, not needing it back(because apparently he doesn't take to the subtle hints), but taking it back!
              As far as him doing things for you, it doesn't mean you owe him anything! When I do something for someone it is out of my heart, I never bring it up that I had to do this or that for them and I never look for anything in return except appreciation! Furthermore A, you have probably paid it forward in so many other ways, for so many other different people. If by getting back what is yours ends the friendship, then guess what, that is a friend you can stand to lose! Go get your car!

              P.S. my mom is about that age and I do NOT consider her a  needy little ol' senior! And believe me she is the type who would pull some crap like that(and has to a lesser degree) and would think she was within her rights. Ans she is a christian so when she gets beside herself, I say "Jehovah God is watching you," And she stops the madness!
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              acgofer

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                Chilly,
                Thanks for advice. 1st we are so close, we just give a quick knock, and walk into each others homes. Like family.
                Thats another thought that you helped me realize... My husband is still paying the insurance and registration on a car im not driving!
                He won't give me a hard time about giving me the key back---But I know hes going to be upset about it.
                He claims it cost him $400 for a new alternator and battery(i had a brand new batterry installed after I bought the car!)and $400 seems like a lot-even for labor.

                I don't think I could ever charge him for wear/tear.I just cant do that to him. Im so confused.It hurts my heart to have to do this but I can't be crapped on like this anylonger. I was always raised to treat others property better than your own.Apparently, not everyone was raised with the same morals/values.
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                allgood2010

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                AHAHAHA SLOT JUNKIE "Jehova God is watching you"

                I don't know if you have to go into expressing feelings of being taken advantage of unless he gets an attitude.  Sometimes we stress about things and make them bigger in our head than they are.  Make up your mind as to what you are going to say and then do it.  Don't think about it just do it, your confidence will come from knowing you are in the right.  If he does get rude which he probably won't then whatever you say in return will be from your heart and he will get the point.  Bottom line is don't overthink the situation..you want your car back so go get it.

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                BIGLEAN

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                chillymellow wrote:

                Go over there, ring the doorbell, ask if you can come in.  Tell him you are sorry to have to do so but need the keys back.  Tell him you are no longer comfortable with the car being driven by someone not on your insurance, or just you are no longer comfortable loaning out your car.  Tell him it is stressing you out and for him to give you the keys NOW,please.
                Lots of people can't understand hints.  I usually don't, but I DO understand when someone tells me what is really up.
                You don't have to be mean or stressed or get angry.  If he won't give you the keys, don't feel bad asking the police to escort you there to get your keys back.  Or, tell him your friend (me) here with NO car would love to drive his van while he putts around in your car. 
                Also look up how much a rental company charges per mile on a rental and tell him you'll need to collect that from him for wear and tear.  Also YOU are liable if he wrecks it and kills someone or causes damages.



                This is well said and a very tactful way to deal with this! Much better than my old half nasty advice! But hey, enough is a enough!!
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                allgood2010

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                From what you've described ACGofer he's a pretty laid back guy..don't get yourself all worked up and go over ready for combat, that way you won't possibly over react for the slightest thing and question if you handled it right.

                Just go get your car girl!  I'm pretty sure he'll say no problem I understand and thank you for letting me use it. 
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                It is tough especially when you have a good heart and you feel your being taken advantage of. You got some wonderful advice here and i would take it!!

                Just march over there, pull your boot straps up and remember we are all there with ya in spirit!

                Lips
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                acgofer

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                  You all make me feel so strong about this. But I'm a big softee. You all can understand how tough this is for me to do, I'm sure. He is at work now, and should be home in about 4hrs.
                  So I have that long to get a grip, take my Celexa(anti-anxiety) and listen to some more input from my friends here  :-X
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                  BIGLEAN

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                  allgood2010 wrote:

                  From what you've described ACGofer he's a pretty laid back guy..don't get yourself all worked up and go over ready for combat, that way you won't possibly over react for the slightest thing and question if you handled it right.

                  Just go get your car girl!  I'm pretty sure he'll say no problem I understand and thank you for letting me use it.  


                  I don't know that he will that laid back about it( "no problem...") He would of taken the hints that a child could understand and gave her the keys back by lets say, the 2nd,3rd hint! :-)
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                  BIGLEAN

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                  His original request was to go back and forth to work, so the moment he knew he was gonna kinda just use it as his car, he should of been back over there ASKING you if it is ok to use it for more traveling. As well as telling you he knows it has been much longer than he expected, but he is so appreciative and he promises to have it back to you by xxxxx day and in the same or better condition that he got it in!

                  I am with you on the morals thing(my mom has her ways, but she taught well). I don't even like to borrow people's things for fear that something might happen to it while it is in my possession! But if I do, I treat it like a new born baby!
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                  acgofer

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                    Although I'm still open to more suggestions, I deeply thank you all for taking the time to read this and offering your thoughts(this applies to anyone else that may respond)
                    You've all been great supporting me.
                    @Lips... you're right, it's time for me to put my big girl pants on & the thought that you're all behind me is very supportive

                    @allgood....he is pretty laid back and you are so one the dot w/me..I always tend to overanalyze and worry more than needed.

                    @slotjunk...lol..u got it there when you said he would have gotten the hints 2nd,3rd,4th...but is it really true that men are so oblivious and not as bright as women?

                    @Imag.... you are so right when you said he has no excuse. The mans got the money..I believe its a matter of pure laziness, and would rather run down someone elses car.Maybe not intentionally, but it's black and white.


                    He always says to my husband "I'm your brother from another Mother" lol.. and now I feel like saying to him, "Didn't your Mama teach you to not take advantage of those who offer their help"

                    Motto of the day: No good deed goes unpunished 

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