I Ask For Help/Advice (Personal Matter)

Hi guys. I'd like some input on how to handle this situation I'm in- without causing any conflict, or loosing a tight friendship. Usually I'm the one giving advice, but after several attempts, I'm out of ideas.

I purchased a 2002 kia spectra last year off Ebay- cost was $2200(blue book $5000!)
I drove it to/from work for about 2 months and cracked the box under the car that holds tranny fluid-fluid went dry..and transmission blew! So my car sat in my driveway for just about 1 year. Then paid $1300 to get a new transmission. Got it inspected (April this was that I got it back on the road), and oil change, and drove it for a few days.

My neighbor/very close friend is a 62 y/o man that had no a/c in his 3 vehicles and asked if he could borrow my car because temps were rising. I said sure, since I also had my Toyota Highlander here. Well, to make a long story short, He still is driving my Kia!!!!!!! I have used the car to go to the airport once, and said'Oh ya know, I really miss my Kia" He said"I understand. Dont worry about it..I'm gonna get my van fixed this weekend"..never happened. I have also dropped about 3 more major hints over the past few weeks..like "so, do you need Dave and I to spot you with some cash to get the air conditioning fixed in 1 of the other cars?"..he said no, no..i dont need money. grrrrrrrrr

Granted, this summer has been brutal & he's done so much for my family too. So I feel I am paying it forward since I had to borrow my friends car last year when my kia broke(only for a few days at a time though), I also feel like im helping a senior,lol..BUT....what really pisses me off is that he was to borrow the car to get to/from work when it was hot.  Yesterday, it was a bit cool, and he had the windows down, and took my Kia to Richmond to go to the baseball game AND I found out he parked it in downtown Richmond!!!!!! WTH?????

And, I have driven the car last weekend when hubby took our other car to NJ to visit family, and he has destroyed my baby Kia! There are cigar ashes all over the car, including the ashtray being overflowed, the frame where the a/c controllers are is all pushed in, and the car smells like molded old man sweat! ugh1

Oh, AND...when I 1st bought the car, when I got the tranny fixed, and when i had it inspected, I had mechanics give it a once over to be sure absolutely nothing was wrong with it.And it was perfect! WELL, 2 weeks ago, the alternator went.Could it be because he floors the pedal trying to goto 0 to 100 up our block every frigin day!!!????? Yes, he paid to get it fixed. But not the point.

I am at my witts end, and coming very close to running my Italian Jersey Girl mouth at him and just ending it.Apparently, being nice, and dropping hint after hint is not working.

So I ask for advice/suggestions on how to approach him for the last time today before I lose my mind and my friendship. Either way, I'm sure this will end in hard feelings. I cant let this continue anymore.Hes had and been destroying my car since April now.

Forgot to add...when I drove it last weekend, i noticed it is over 1000 miles overdue for an oil change..so he has put over 4000 miles on it!!!!  >:(

Go over there, ring the doorbell, ask if you can come in.  Tell him you are sorry to have to do so but need the keys back.  Tell him you are no longer comfortable with the car being driven by someone not on your insurance, or just you are no longer comfortable loaning out your car.  Tell him it is stressing you out and for him to give you the keys NOW,please.
Lots of people can't understand hints.  I usually don't, but I DO understand when someone tells me what is really up.
You don't have to be mean or stressed or get angry.  If he won't give you the keys, don't feel bad asking the police to escort you there to get your keys back.  Or, tell him your friend (me) here with NO car would love to drive his van while he putts around in your car. 
Also look up how much a rental company charges per mile on a rental and tell him you'll need to collect that from him for wear and tear.  Also YOU are liable if he wrecks it and kills someone or causes damages.

AC.. very very hard to do, i understand.. his age and him being a neighbor and friend when you need him.. this is a toughy..

But you have GOT to go over there and ask for your keys, make up something if you have to, "My sister/brother needs the car he can't get to work" anything, something.. The man has something to fall back on.. his own cars, they are only driven to work when he gets inside his place of employment he is out of the heat. I can see that it will get nothing more then worse and worse, as i can see from what you have typed he is disrespecting your kindness and your belongings.

I'd see it as fine IF there was no damage occuring, IF it was not bothering me IF i was seeing an attemp for him to be fixing his cars, but he has no excuses.. he doesn't need your help or money.. he just wants to USE your car.

AC put a stop to it before it gets any worse, you won't lose a friend now, but you if you wait any longer you could lose a friend and your car.

Ok enough is enough..get your car back.  There is being nice and those who take advantage of it.  I guarantee he's not worrying as much about overstaying his welcome with using your car as you are stressing about getting it back.  Whether he needs it more the point is it is your car and you don't need to contemplate on asking for it back or not.

That is really great of you that you let him borrow it and he is a neighbor who has helped you a lot too.  But if he doesn't need money to fix it which means he has the money to fix his car then he should really be doing the right thing and giving you your car back.  Keep it short and somehow get a deadline set with him as to when you're getting it back..don't give reasons or excuses or when you do you'll be consumed with following up on all those "pretend" reasons or excuses.

I say go Jersey on his a** Ok just kidding, but it is high time to take your car back before it is completely destroyed! Just keep it 100 and let him know it has been 5 months and that was not the deal. Tell him you feel a bit taken advantage of and that is not the impression you want to have of him! Tell him he has until xxxxx amount of days(like 1 , just kidding again! seriously though, like 3-5) and you will be taking, not needing it back(because apparently he doesn't take to the subtle hints), but taking it back!
As far as him doing things for you, it doesn't mean you owe him anything! When I do something for someone it is out of my heart, I never bring it up that I had to do this or that for them and I never look for anything in return except appreciation! Furthermore A, you have probably paid it forward in so many other ways, for so many other different people. If by getting back what is yours ends the friendship, then guess what, that is a friend you can stand to lose! Go get your car!

P.S. my mom is about that age and I do NOT consider her a  needy little ol' senior! And believe me she is the type who would pull some crap like that(and has to a lesser degree) and would think she was within her rights. Ans she is a christian so when she gets beside herself, I say "Jehovah God is watching you," And she stops the madness!

Chilly,
Thanks for advice. 1st we are so close, we just give a quick knock, and walk into each others homes. Like family.
Thats another thought that you helped me realize... My husband is still paying the insurance and registration on a car im not driving!
He won't give me a hard time about giving me the key back---But I know hes going to be upset about it.
He claims it cost him $400 for a new alternator and battery(i had a brand new batterry installed after I bought the car!)and $400 seems like a lot-even for labor.

I don't think I could ever charge him for wear/tear.I just cant do that to him. Im so confused.It hurts my heart to have to do this but I can't be crapped on like this anylonger. I was always raised to treat others property better than your own.Apparently, not everyone was raised with the same morals/values.

AHAHAHA SLOT JUNKIE "Jehova God is watching you"

I don't know if you have to go into expressing feelings of being taken advantage of unless he gets an attitude.  Sometimes we stress about things and make them bigger in our head than they are.  Make up your mind as to what you are going to say and then do it.  Don't think about it just do it, your confidence will come from knowing you are in the right.  If he does get rude which he probably won't then whatever you say in return will be from your heart and he will get the point.  Bottom line is don't overthink the situation..you want your car back so go get it.

This is well said and a very tactful way to deal with this! Much better than my old half nasty advice! But hey, enough is a enough!!

From what you've described ACGofer he's a pretty laid back guy..don't get yourself all worked up and go over ready for combat, that way you won't possibly over react for the slightest thing and question if you handled it right.

Just go get your car girl!  I'm pretty sure he'll say no problem I understand and thank you for letting me use it. 

It is tough especially when you have a good heart and you feel your being taken advantage of. You got some wonderful advice here and i would take it!!

Just march over there, pull your boot straps up and remember we are all there with ya in spirit!

Lips

You all make me feel so strong about this. But I'm a big softee. You all can understand how tough this is for me to do, I'm sure. He is at work now, and should be home in about 4hrs.
So I have that long to get a grip, take my Celexa(anti-anxiety) and listen to some more input from my friends here  :-X

I don't know that he will that laid back about it( "no problem...") He would of taken the hints that a child could understand and gave her the keys back by lets say, the 2nd,3rd hint! :-)

His original request was to go back and forth to work, so the moment he knew he was gonna kinda just use it as his car, he should of been back over there ASKING you if it is ok to use it for more traveling. As well as telling you he knows it has been much longer than he expected, but he is so appreciative and he promises to have it back to you by xxxxx day and in the same or better condition that he got it in!

I am with you on the morals thing(my mom has her ways, but she taught well). I don't even like to borrow people's things for fear that something might happen to it while it is in my possession! But if I do, I treat it like a new born baby!

Although I'm still open to more suggestions, I deeply thank you all for taking the time to read this and offering your thoughts(this applies to anyone else that may respond)
You've all been great supporting me.
@Lips... you're right, it's time for me to put my big girl pants on & the thought that you're all behind me is very supportive

@allgood....he is pretty laid back and you are so one the dot w/me..I always tend to overanalyze and worry more than needed.

@slotjunk...lol..u got it there when you said he would have gotten the hints 2nd,3rd,4th...but is it really true that men are so oblivious and not as bright as women?

@Imag.... you are so right when you said he has no excuse. The mans got the money..I believe its a matter of pure laziness, and would rather run down someone elses car.Maybe not intentionally, but it's black and white.


He always says to my husband "I'm your brother from another Mother" lol.. and now I feel like saying to him, "Didn't your Mama teach you to not take advantage of those who offer their help"

Motto of the day: No good deed goes unpunished 

It sounds like your "friend" is truly taking advantage of your good nature.  Old or not - it's your car!  Why are you so worried about asking for it back?

Just tell him you need your car back please, hold out your hand and ask for your keys.  Simple, to the point and he knows where he stands.  Oh and don't lend it to him again!

blue

lmao

Might be easier for you to write it in a note and stick it on his door.

"I need my keys back tonight, please bring them over"

that would be the very least you can say to get your point across.  You really don't have to go into any details.  If he asks say it doesn't matter why; I need my keys back is all.

too much discussion will only make it uncomfortable for you and easier for him to use smokescreens to keep the car.  I say get it back today-his other car works.

Maybe I say this because I've been stuck without a car for about 6 months here in the country and my neighbors won't even give me a ride anywhere.  I have to walk a mile to the mailbox, and it's extremely hot and I am having to pay people from another town to drive way out here when I need groceries.  It is 5 miles to town.  Your neighbor should be kissing your feet, showering you with roses, saying thank you at least once a week and leaving you your car on the weekends at the very least. 

take it back.  as soon as possible.  today

Chilly...

Awh, I would be so willing to help you if you lived near..and NOT charge you a penny to do grocery shopping. I myself was without a vehicle for 3 years before my husband got the company vehicle.

You know, I thought about writing a letter.. I can express my feelings so much better when I write than when I speak. I tend to fumble on my speech when I'm dealing with an awkward situation.

Still a few hrs left to decide which route Im going to take. THEN I still have to have an uncomfortable/stressful discussion with my hubby tonight when he gets home, so yes, my nerves are shot today.

It'll be okay, you are already a HERO to your neighbor, and your hubby, no matter what they think while they are dealing with the end of this issue!

it kind of sounds to me like he is a worthless sack of crap.  perhaps he needs to man up and buy you a new car so he can keep the one of yours he loves so much and has trashed.  people who are "users"  are usually "losers" and he seems to fit the bill.  unleash the dogs of war on his dumbass if he is too ignorant to realize he has taken advantage of your kindness.  dont be nice.....you already tried that route!  dabigdog

Well, I went over to bring him some vinegar for a bee sting he got today. And we chatted for a while, and I said,' ok. are you ready to have an uncomfortable conversation?Well, at least uncomfortable for me" He asked what it was, what was bothering me, and I said," Well, I kind of would like to have a date that I can expect,my car..ya know?"
He said, " oh, yeah,yeah, I know u want your car. I told Dave(my hubby) the other night that I hope u guys aren't pissed at me I've had the car so long. But I bought a new Van, and I'm taking it to the shop so they can put a back door on it. I just want to be able to get my nephew home next weekend ..you know, make sure I make it up there ok." (his nephew has been staying w/him the summer..and lives about an hr away)
Then he said," So yeah, after I take Nick home next weekend, I'll bring the new van  to get fixed, and they should have it done for me by the following weekend. So probably the 2nd weekend in Sept."
I said," alright.No, I dont want you to get stuck. I just want you to have a reliable vehicle of your own,ya know?"

Then we talked about other things.

So...i guess the deadline is the 2nd weekend in September.


oh, then he said,"dont ever feel uncomfortable about asking for your car back..it's YOUR car"
it is? lol

Good job..now you have a deadline and the stress for needing to handle it is gone.

OMG Are you friggin kiddin me?!! Girl you are a good one, first of all he is NOT a helpless old guy, he has 3 CARS!!!! He is not decrepid but he HAS been around the block enough to know whats up!! A week or two...OK, but since APRIL!!? And 4000 miles?!! AND SMOKING FUNKYAZZ CIGARS AND FUGGING UP THE INTERIOR?!!! AWWWWWWW HELLLLL NAWWW GIRL, Yes you can be tactful and stay calm with this man, he KNOWS what he is doing and he KNOWS he is taking advantage too, I would try to follow Chilly's suggestion, but the whole time I would prolly have a real CRAZY AZZED LOOK on my face and in my EYES especially to let this old fart know his free ride is OVER and that you do not owe him CHIT!!? I do not understand why some people in this world think others OWE them something, You have gone ABOVE and BEYOND,nice, patient, tolerant, christian like, neighborly, WELL ABOVE!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!
Does this oblivious fool KNOW that you have barely driven your own vehicle? Yeah so what if it was sitting for awhile, he has 3 cars and could have sold 1 or 2 to get a car with air or to put air in one, NO EXCUSE, he is blatantly taking advantage...my mother and my grandmother ALWAYS told me to be neighborly BUT NOT too neighborly becuase your probably going to have to live next to those people a longggg time and you need to keep some boundaries because with some if you take a favor from them you will owe them for LIFE!! Girl go get your car ASAP

OK sorry I didnt see you had already talked to him ,but I was so upset for you I just got so mad and needed to vent and wished I had an "old man" doll , so I could shake the living chit out of it!!!! Whew
Keep us posted, and btw how is a van "new" if it needs a door?!! me confused!!

*Shakes head*  Cheeky sod!

Talk about take the proverbial.

Well I'm glad you confronted him Acgofer and you have a date to get YOUR car back.

blue

Darn Ally.....

I wouldn't have had this problem if I just sent YOU over there months ago to handle the situation! lol 

I hope he at least gets the oil changed before I get it back.....but I highly doubt it  >:(

You poor baby, I know EXACTLY what you are going thru. The biggest gossipy goose in my condo complex had my car. I was desperate and very sick I live alone and felt like my left side was numb and I was having a heart attack, i knew she was home at the end of the hallway. I knocked on her door and she said they only have one car her husband uses for work, I said can you take me to the hospital in my car she did. I was really really greatful, i stayed overnight in hospital, she drove my car home. She came to get me the next day I did say if you ever need my car to go to store or for kids etc you can take it.  Stupid me. She has had my car and my keys for almost 3 wks I told her kids outside playing I nd to find your mom, to get my mail keys are on my ring. They could not find her, she was gossiping in some unit. So called her cell for days she did not pick up, knocked on her door no answer. I got my keys back to get catfood then she said she needed it back after I came back to take kids to dr. So I see no gas in my car I had full tank radio blasting and ac full blast when i turned it on. I have my keys back for today but yes she will turn the complex against me if I tell her no more!!!! My biggest fear if I get sick again and nd her help? I even pd her husband $300 cash to put in garbage disposal, I bought disposal for $150 so this was labor only? If she wrecked my car she would not give a chit!!!! I am sure all the other neighbors would not let her use their car, but she gossips and drinks with them everyday. I hate feeling used and taken advantage of. 

LOL right now knocking on my door to use my car, of course I am NOT answering!!!! Even the KNOCK is neighborly, that da, da da da dunt, da dunt. HA

It's just a matter of putting it right. You can always say that YOUR FAMILY needs the car back, it's not a matter of choice. If you could, you would leave it to him for a little while longer, but you're in so much need for it at the moment, that you can't let the family suffer without it anymore.

acgofer, you and I are the same ppl I am always asking myself would I take advantage of someones kindness like that? NEVER EVER. My favorite saying is "DON'T TAKE MY KINDNESS FOR WEAKNESS" IT IS NOT!!!!  I can be a Broadzilla Beetch but most times I choose not to. Like you, my neighbor says were like sisters? Huh, you did not put gas in my car sister? You kept my keys sister? Sometimes, I think they have a deficite, social or learning. Like they don't know right from wrong?  Then when you find your backbone like I did today, you feel terrible for sticking up for yourself, because they look so hurt? 

The problem is that there are givers in this life and there are takers and there are also givers/takers and then there are these people who "think" they are givers.  They are giving you the opportunity to be kind to them, they are also giving you the opportunity to see hurt in their eyes when you ask for your car back.  They also give you the chance to be their friend and they allow you to give all that you do.  These people do not think of how it is on "your side of the fence" - they only think of themselves.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I'm sure they would not be as kind and as reasonable as you two are being.

Stop being so hard on yourselves  - you are wonderful Acgofer and lucky8s, people who care and people who give all the time and sometimes you will be taken advantage of.  This is one of those times. 

blue

Thank you Blue...a new way to look at it. You are absolutely right! 

Perfectly said!

Luv ya Blue, you always say things so ELOQUENTLY!!!!

Today starts the 2nd wkend of Sept...my car still sits 2 doors down. Luckily I go to NJ tomorrow to see family...lets see if my car is in my driveway by Sunday.

*sigh*

Maybe put a carwash coupon on the windshield of your neighbor's car...I mean...YOUR car.  Kind of a hint/reminder/suggestion all in a nice sudsy way.

Awww Ac your just a sweetheart for not going off!! I hope it is in your driveway when you back.

Have a safe trip and enjoy!

Lips

hey ac-

i know this doesn't help you much with your current situation, but for what its worth...just know that your generosity and kind spirit will come back and repay you ten fold.  : )

You are way too nice.  I guess I'm just a bitch. 

Maybe if you & your hubby offered to fix the AC in his van, he wouldn't have any excuse to drive your KIA any longer and you wouldn't feel bad for taking your car back? Just a thought.

Hi Acgofer,

If your car is not in your driveway, I suggest you get your marching shoes on, keep reminding yourself that this "friend" has now crossed the line in taking your kindness for granted and go ask for your car back.  No niceties this time.

You have to put your foot down with a firm hand!

Good luck.

blue

Yeah, this guy is 1.  thoughtless, or 2.  using you.  Tell him, or put it in writing "I need my car back in 2 days."

Yeah, any update on this issue of yours acgofer? Hope the guy collected enough wits to return you the car. If I were him, I'd hate to lose a friend like you over such a petty thing as a car.

I agree with Blue..he's taking advantage and with no shame now

Well we went to NJ to see hubbys sick grandma. On our way home today she passed. He watches our dogs and we need him thurs-sun for the funeral. He still has the car

Sorry ac to here about your loss  . Take good care of your hubby and be safe. My prayers are with you and the family during this difficult time.

Lips

So sorry to hear that acgofer.  Please accept my deepest sympathy to both you and your husband.

blue

My sincere condolences, ac! All my positive thoughts are with you and your husband!

Thank you for your condolences...
We are a tight Italian family and this is very hard. Thurs and Fri are services, so I will miss everyone here...but see you again on sat or sun
xoxoxo

so sorry sweetie about everything i hope it all works out your in my prayers :'(