I caught him... and an update

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    Last post ago almost 6 years by chillymellow
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    toodleedoo

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        toodleedoo

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        • Putting on lipstick emoticon 1
        So after venting on here for months, and like a day after a reply I did to doc's post, I got the proof.  I will just say a woman's intuition is right, not the crazy suspicious intuition, I mean the gut deep one that says something is off.  Well so I got the proof that he was involved in 'something' and kicked him out.  He says it was just a flirting,texting thing with an old high school friend, and it was nothing physical.  My point is, I was right.  I didn't want to be right, I would have paid all the money in the world to not be right... but I was.  So now it's time to move forward.  He wants to go to counseling and fix the marriage.  A friend of mine confided that she caught her dh doing the same thing, and she gave him 1 chance because everyone deserves 1.  With my illness, and other extenuating circumstances, I am considering it.  Apparently he felt like I was pushing him away, and not paying him attention, and i thought he was being a horrible husband to his wife with cancer.  We're both wrong, and both right I guess.  I'm a big enough person to see that it is a give and take, so I'm considering counseling.  I just wanted to post an update to the story.  I'm OK by the way, I think I get kicked alot in this life, but I seem to be able to take a punch, and with luck, grow from it.  I need to go see what casinos are paying in my state so I don't have the issue I found myself with on the EH group.
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        Lipstick

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        Hi Tood,

        Thanks for your update and your candor to this forum. I have always said that it is very easy to say "if he/she ever cheated on me i would leave in a heart beat". But until you walk in those shoes and lived it you never know what you will do.

        There are always circumstances that figure in the equation before you throw it all away. Whether it is a long term relationship or where children are involved, it's never easy. I think the fact you have the wisdom and the foresight to look at the whole picture says a lot about you.

        I hope you can save your relationship and are on the road to repairing it. There is a lot of time and investment involved. You have both walked a tough path and somehow through it all managed to stay together. Coping with the difficulties you both had to deal with i am sure was not easy. Sometimes we make the wrong choices to see us through and help us cope in difficult times.

        I wish you the best

        Lips
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        blueday

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          You're an amazing person Toodledeedoo and everything Lips has said, hits the nail on the head.

          I hope you and your hubby can work through what must be a very difficult and painful time for you.

          I hope it works out in the way that you hope that it will.

          blue
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          drpsyce38

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          tood.......Yes, one's gut is worth listening to.

          I am sure there is some hurting....but.....bottom line:  Who the hell needs this guy???  Welcome your "clean slate!"

          Oh.....if you need some shallow rebound therapy, I'll be in A.C. in a few weeks...hehehe! 
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          ricorizzo

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          wow doc, your something else! A.C. and sex on the brain. This gal goes through some some life changeing issues, and your recommending, shallow re-bound therapy? As in not getting in too deep? Maybe I miss-understood where your coming from. Where did you get your training, from gladiator school? Please correct me, if I'm wrong, and believe me, I hope I am!!
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          drpsyce38

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          rico.....Once again, you have seen through me!  Wow, there is no pulling the l over your eyes!  Whew!

          Simply put, AC is where the dark side gets to come out.  So, yes, I behave in shameful, vile and ways my mother would be ashamed of.  ***The Mind Doc hangs his head in shame......***
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          BoomBoomLaRue

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          I think Doc was just trying to lighten the mood

          A woman's intuition is not to be dealt with lightly!  Good luck Toodle, i have been there and it is a very tough heart wrenching decision......
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          ricorizzo

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          Well I tell ya doc, it takes a man to come clean, as you did. I respect that. One more thing if I may and thats it for me on this thread, You've given alot of positive advice to people, since I've been here, I attributed that post to teeldedoo, as maybe not having your 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee, that morning. Who knows, maybe your coffee pot was broke. lol. But If I was walkin in your mocassins, I'd give that gal a personal message. You know, I don't need to say anymore.
                                          stay cool,
                                            Rico
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          drpsyce38

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          "...as maybe not having your 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee..."

          OR...OR......needing more Scotch!
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          gabby

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          Thank you for sharing your story and I hope it helped to get it out.

          I have always said, since day one of a 23year marriage, that infidelity would be a deal breaker for me, but I guess in a fairness, one never knows until in the situation.

          If I may put in my 2 cents.  If he is willing to go to counseling and that is something you want, go for it and best of luck to you!  If you BOTH don't go to counseling, it will never work. 

          Why?  He's blaming you and that makes my blood boil. Sorry to vent but here goes... You didn't give him enough attention? Really?!?  He's a big boy and I'm sure he could handle a little time for you to concentrate on yourself and only yourself, even if you weren't battling a disease.  My question to him would be::: Did you talk to your wife about feeling 'left out'?  If not, grow a backbone and stop making excuses for YOUR lack of control.  How dare the cheat to blame the spouse.  Drives me nutso.


          **vent over**

          Hang in there.  Stay strong.  Remember no matter what he says, it's not your fault.  We are here for you.  I really, from the bottom of my heart, hope you can make this work and many say marriages are stronger after going through this.

          Good Luck.
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          devonian

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          I am sorry this happened to you........but this seems to be a common thing these days. There is even a term for it ! Its emotional cheating. No sex usually just a lot of texting and flirting. My husband was doing it with his friends 23 year old daughter who was his intern. She is a identical twin. Some weird fantasy going on here .He said why would she want a 50yr old man? Were just friends...I say WTF why do you need to text everyday...??? He thought he was being clever in deleting messages...LOL Nothing is ever truly erased. Anyway I laid down the law. Stop communicating and going out to lunch together or leave and be with your girlfriend. He was good for about 6 months and then called me to tell me he was going out to dinner with her! Hmm I dont recall there being an expiration date on the ultimatum. I said  thats fine , you go then dont come home. He claims that he kept it secret because I would be jealous . So far he has been behaving but why should I have to waste time monitoring his phone, email and checking up on him? The only reason I did not kick him out anyway is because my daughter loves her father very much. He is a good father and otherwise has been a good husband but I am not buying the justification of it being OK just because there was no sex. It is still a betrayal...I am still deciding the outcome. Really I would say you need to ask yourself...Is this a 1 time mistake? or has this happened before? Good Luck  and I wish you a speedy recovery
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          chillymellow

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          You ladies are very strong and I appreciate you sharing your feelings and turmoil.  These indiscretions are just part of the war on women, and shame on the women who also do the same to their mates thinking it's just an innocent little texting/sexting thing.  We need to get back to basics and we need to support each other and stand together against the plain truth of what is right and what is wrong.  If anyone is heading down this wrong path, I hope you will consider turning back around.

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