Is it Possible to Just be Friends?

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    Lipstick

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        Lipstick

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        Hi Guys and Dolls!

        Breaking up in a relationship is never an easy thing to do. Unless it is mutual agreement there is always a certain amount of grieving. Even in mutual break ups there would still have to be a sense of loss from the life we once knew. It is definitely the same grief one would experience of death. 

        Aside from a very bad relationship where there is no hope of even being civil, is it possible to be friends after a break up? Is it too difficult to flip a switch and simply be friends when you were once lovers?

        Lips
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        Imagin.ation

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        Lips,
        I have tried, and every time, men don't get mad at me please..
        But it has been the HIM everytime that can't handle a just being friends relationship, being friends makes it that there is just certain things
        you can't talk about anymore.
        I had one if i even mentioned going to the club, or dating.. he got an attitude, got all mad, expecting me to stay single lol.. myself i just wished him well
        If it's not the "get back together" it's the "i can't stand seeing you with someone else" thing
        I have no problem with it, i just can't see not being friends just
        because a relationship didn't work out.. to just go on like
        you didn't know each other, after you loved and cared for one another..
        I had one that became my best friend after a relationship
        I think if you can't be friends, then it was something else emotionally
        wrong in the relationship, but also it can depend on what kind of
        break-up, whether it was a cheating, or lying, or a trust issue.. then it could be different, even then.. i can forgive, but we will stay just friends
        Can't hate each other when you loved and cared for each other at one time

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        drpsyce38

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        Yeah, I am afraid most men can't handle the "lets be friends."  Men hear that and INTERPRET it as the woman saying: "I want to keep you around a little, but NO f..king!  Because I am looking for someone else to do that with!"

        I know that is NOT what you women mean, but that is what men often hear.
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        Shelli

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        Hey Lips,

        Why would I want to be friends with my ex?? So we could double date??  My rule was basically when it's over it's over and I move on.

        Well that was my theory until my last relationship.  When my ex and I broke up (it was a mutual, we knew we weren't right for each other) he basically convinced me that we had been together so long he needed my "friendship" We were the best of friends prior to us getting together so I decided to make an exception to my rule.  BIG mistake!!  Unfortunately what ended up happening (twice) was that our friendship brought us back together in "bed" and we would end up in our same BAD relationship.

        Finally I told him that it is impossible for us to be friends because sex ALWAYS brought us back together.  I actually changed my number because I knew one of us would give in and try to "just be friends" again.  I did that around the same time that I moved about 70 miles away.  I did still have his number, but I was strong and didn't call!!

        It sounds kind of drastic, but we both were unable to move on even though we new we were BAD for each other.  The whole friendship thing really never lets either person in the relationship actually "get over" the other.

        He did try and contact me via email and instant messenger, wondering how his "friend" was.  It was well over 6 months before I even responded to him.  I always keep it short and sweet.  I am not sure if I would say we are "friends" but I guess we aren't enemies.   

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        Imagin.ation

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        Shelli, i agree with you..
        I can care enough for him to move on and be happy
        and if friends we can be then thats fine, but if its over
        then its over.. you stay friends or stay away.. lol
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        drpsyce38

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        Again, guys HEAR lets-be-friends as "You can keep my number, but I am not going to boink you anymore."
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        Shelli

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        LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  Hey dr, I can't even tell ya the last time I heard it referred to as BOINK!!!!!
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        Imagin.ation

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        Lol.. well if we boink we boink...
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        Imagin.ation

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        i wouldn't really get into his boinkn' bidness, we are just friends..
        so he should stay out of my own boink. Men.. they are just gonna
        boink and boink, but if we go and boink.. they get all mad
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        soda69

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        not sure about being able to maintain a friendship after a bad break up. i haven't been in one since highschool (almost 25 yrs ago). i've chosen to explore and be content with non-committal friendship with women. i tend to be very outgoing and flirtacious - laid back and casual. for the most part the beginning period of hanging out has been lots of fun...and then sex happens...and again..and again..until....the inevitable happens...i can't seem to find a word that best describes what it means.. which is why i had to come up with one of my own;

        sackrilege - sack-ri-lege
        pronounciation - \ˈsa-krə-lij\
        definition: similar to sacrilege - but not referring to anything religious. it is a violation or improper reception of a man's friendship in bed.

        perhaps it is the social norm to expect a commitment after having sex a few times however it is an expectation that was doomed from the beginning. and as expected the women never take well to my non-committal ways and will go through their period of vandetta and spite. but amazingly as time goes by they finally get to know the true me which is still the same guy the first met and more - still outgoing, flirtacious, laid back, casual and now adding a good friend who expects nothing from you but is always there if you need him. and once that has sunked in, the friendship is awesome.
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        Imagin.ation

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        Soda.. see now we'd be friends i like that kind of man lol..
        The reason im so interested in this is because i recently went through a break up.. well about 8 months ago.. and he cannot understand
        that i just want to be friends and nothing else, it makes him mad
        that i dont get jealous or care about what he does, that i don't try and get him back, i can be friends, wish him well and thats how i feel about any
        other relationships, but at the same time im trying to live my life
        but he doesn't want to let me.. so if that is the case, then im finding out
        that he really didn't care for ME, if he can't let me be happy..
        Now what IM trying to say is.. I can be friends.. it's the other that can't
        I'm civil and understanding.. that level of a relationship didn't work for us..
        So let's just be friends... now even a friendship won't work?
        I'm not talking about any bad relationships, those are just DONE in my book
        I guess they really kind of sort out, i'm never on a bad term break-up..
        Good term or mutual break-ups.. why not be friends..
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        soda69

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        i think much of it has to do with how we were brought up and what life experiences mould. also it can be hard for a person to differentiate love from obsession or dependentancy or even fear of change. it's so easy for anyone to fall into that trap and i'm no different which is why i try and avoid it altogether. everything for me regarding my relationships with woman is casual - casual evenings, casual talks, casual vacations, casual lunches and dinners and even casual sex. And since its casual for not just me but everyone - it's been great.
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        Imagin.ation

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        Well Soda.. I don't care what anyone says, if you fall in
        love and it's the wrong person.. it hurts, happened to me
        and the pain was horrible.. so yes i've been afraid.. so
        i'm like you i tend not to get deep and yes even after this
        i can and would be friends with him, you care and love them
        when they are yours, but when they are not yours any longer
        you don't.. not even enough to be friends.. then it wasn't true.
        I beleive the right person will come along, and when he does
        i'll know it and so will he.. meantime being friends and
        understanding that works for me, then theres no break-ups!
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        soda69

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        yea...i hear what you are saying...i think my perception or understanding of love is different now. although i have gone through the pains of what i thought was love in the past. my philosophy has changed much since those times. the kind of love that intertwines a couple together. the same kind of love that wields a bond so strong nothing not even themselves could separate...is a phenomenon in these present times. synthetic or superficial love has taken its place and we have become so conformed to the ways of this world; too blinded to recognize it.
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        Shelli

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        Dangggggggg I leave for a few a little bit and this topic gets VERY interesting!!!
        Soda, I guess you would have no problem sharing your friendship with Imagin.ation and I!!!!
        I might try Soda's non committal way.  I would just need to remind him, that there is NO hope of commitment!  As soon as he wants to see me more than once a week, I cut it off!!!! hehe

        I gotta agree with you Soda about the expectation on commitment after sex a few times.  There are men out there that expect a commitment even if it is just once.  Sometimes you just have to call it was it is, casual sex.

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