Need "outside" people views..etc.

Just looking to understand, please, try and help, Going to try to make a long story short (I should write a book) growing up for me wasn't easy, came from a broken family, my mother had 4 (me) step-father had 3, they took in a neighborhood child, she was brought in to "help" and then they had 1 together (the baby) He did adopt us 4, as my mom his. It was crazy growing up in our house, and could hardly wait to graduate to get "out". My real father was out of the picture, and still is after 40 some years. My step-father ruled the house with a very sturdy hand and boy do I mean sturdy. There were beatings almost regular, atleast someone was going to get it. All now are on their own and only the "baby" lives near mom and "dad".  My parents have since moved out of the house that we grew up in and now live in a "little house" and have made it their dream house.  One of my eldest sisters dicided when she got pregnant (24 yrs ago) to find her real mother, did so, and chose not to have a relationship with mom and dad anymore, let alone the sibilings. Dad never really made any of us feel wanted, and i love you's were never said.  I know they are getting up there in age right now 69 (still young though) and do very well. Well my younger brother Michael (we talk atleast 3-4 times per week) we out of all have a great relationship and visit each other every couple years. Well looks like I need to reply to myself to finish........CONT.

Well, I will now tell you this, it seamed like everytime I came home to visit, it was more like a problem, never saying oh how good to see you, it was more like when are you leaving? My "dad" never got out of his "chair" and the groans and moans he makes, almost like I did something wrong.  I then decided 2 years ago that I was no longer going to visit, never feeling wanted so why bother?  Well I also stopped calling "home" for i sooned realized it was me making the phone calls always. Well a year went by and now two and still the phone has not rung, with mom and dad on the other end. I do send cards to my mom but only on holidays etc. as does she. Yes the cards are signed Love you.....hummmm? Well, my brother and I had a heart to heart talk a couple of weeks ago and I soon learned that he too has not called nore has he recieved any, in over 1 1/2 years. He told me he e-mailed my (our) mom and voiced his opinion to her and said your dad will never pick up the phone to call you, it's not going to happen. CONT>

Wow couldn't believe that he too feels the same as I. Now Michael was never one to send cards but was always the one to show you a good time.  Whenever I go to visit him, limo's, fine dining, nfl tickets to games and always the best when he comes to visit or if you visit him with anyone, that is just how he is, and at his cost. I have never spent more then my airline tickets for the visit. I know the same is for my mom and dad.  He shared a story that on their last visit to see him, my brother took my dad to a pga golf (which they both love to play) he tickets had to have cost atleast 500.00 each, and not one thank-you,for real? Well, they then went to play golf with some of by brothers friends and one of them made a comment Michael, you are very talented and it was a joy just watching you....well dad's comment was oh, he is just showing off....are you kidding me? I was getting madder as he told me this.  Well michaels has cut all ties after that, who's to blame him?  My brother explained this to our mother and she is he is set in his ways.....and he is my husband and that's not ever going to change.  I couldn't believe that Michael had the very same feeling that I had too, he said evertime he goes home, dad wonders, when are you leaving....couldn't believe it.  Well, me now, I have had to have a spinalcord stimulator put in (major surgery) not once but twice this past year, and mom knew about it and I did not get a card or a visit (they live 2 1/2 hours away) CONT.

....holding my breath here...

I had a tough time but getting better.  Well alot of other things to, like me buying a new house, another grandchild etc. alot of mildstones etc.  nothing. Well, by brothers b'day was Nov 4th and he did not recieve a b'day card from who....nope not our mother.  I not only sent one, but two. He called me to thank me and i could tell the hurt in his voice that mom didn't even send him a card, maybe it's on it's way, you know how the mail can be, but no, a day came, and then a week, nothing. How can a parent just forget? Now i'm not saying to send gifts, a card, a little stinking card! Well i was getting madder and madder. I myseld went on facebook and sounded off------and well, one of my sibilings wrote back, shut up, stop talking about my "family" and deleted me. I don't understand, please try to help me. I know "dad" is just okay deleting us one by one, but my mom? How does this happen?

lyndalou - this is such a sad story.

My opinion - for what its worth...it sounds like your mum is deeply in love with your "dad".  Whilst he may have adopted you all, he has not acted like a father in any shape or form.  Your mother seems to have abandoned you all for the sake of this man - to keep him happy.  If anything happened to him, then I have no doubt that she will turn to her children for comfort and by the sounds of it, that comfort will unlikely be there.

It sounds as though you have done everything in your power to have a relationship with your mother, but she clearly has no interest at all. 

As for your sister deleting you from facebook, she obviously doesn't share your views or alternatively, she is worried your "dad" will see it.

On top of all that, you have your own problems with your back and other things happening in your life. 

If it was me, I would just walk away, keep in touch with my brothers and sisters that want to keep in touch with me and get on with your life.  I would still send cards to my mother on all the occasions you would normally, but that would be it.  I would expect nothing from her.

If you don't "expect", you can't be disappointed.

I know its easy for me to say and extremely difficult to actually do.  But you have to accept what is and clearly your mother gives the impression that she is not interested.  Whether that is the case or not is another kettle of fish. 

You are clearly really hurt by everything that has gone on before and I have no doubt you will feel hurt all your life.  There really is no simple answer but you should take comfort that your siblings keep in touch, you obviously have children of your own and they are the most important thing in your life now.

I doubt I have said anything that helps but hopefully it will make you think in the right direction.

Take care.

blue

Thanks blue for your kind words. yes, I guess you can tell I am very deeply hurt from the past 'till present.  I don't understand why "she" deleted me, for she was one that got most of the blunts.  She lives in Texas and has shared with me that "their" relationship works because she is there and they are in Pa. (go figure?) I can remeber one day "dad" took Her head and Michaels and he banged their heads together like they were cymbals...for real!  I did make a comment, that the day he dies, I wonder who would carry his casket. because i know for a fact that Michael would not be one of them and as far as friends, hum? Maybe he will make it easy and be cremated...who knows. You know. the physical therapy that I am going through also does spritual, and they said that I need to learn how to forgive and get negative that surrounds me out, well trying very hard to do that, they say talk to the people that have hurt you and sound out----well I did just that and look what happened!  When I say just trying to understand, I am (trying)............................

lyndalou, so sorry to hear of your strained relations with your parents, I can not imagine how hurt you are, and will pray for your family.  I am a religious person, and know that God has reasons for everything, try having a  talk with God, and maybe he can give you the answers and guidance you seek.  But do not let your parents behavior drag you down, you need to let it go and move on with your family, your brothers, sisters, kids, and grandkids and enjoy yourself.  I wish you the best of luck and will add your family in my prayers. 

lyndalou, I can kinda relate to what you are saying. My mom was very abusive and had four children and didn't know how to love them. My Dad was our salvation he was kind and loving and tried to take our pain away. For many years I was torn hating my mom for the person she was and all the pain she had caused myself and my siblings and loving her because she gave birth to me and she was my mom. I continued throughout my adult life to maintain a relationship the best that I could and try to not let it totally depress me.When she passed away I had no regrets because I had continued to be a good daughter to her even if she didn't want me to. When she passed, I couldn't cry and for a while it bothered me, but I understand why. She robbed me of my childhood, making my sister and myself her little slaves, cooking, cleaning, taking care of my brothers from infants throughout and beating us when we didn't do things the way she wanted them done. When she passed, I felt relief and felt like finally I could forgive and live my life in peace.No torn feelings or guilt about anger built up inside of me. You will deal with this in your own way and hopefully find peace. Good luck.

I don't want sound cold hearted or mean , but let it go and get over it . Your parents are almost 70 yrs. old and they haven't changed so . to think they might now is wrong . Also you have to remember they were raised to be like they are . the men to be provider and ruler of the roost , the woman to be caregivers and homemaker . it was just different times . I've never seen my father cry or hear him tell anyone that he loved them . But you knew he did and the way he would show is by always providing for the family . so you being a modern adult should rise above everything and except thing for the way they are cause to Deni yourself them could bite you in the ass . What if they died tomorrow ? Wow would you feel about haven't talking to them for 2yrs ? But what do I know I think my family calls me a little to often and with my mom i feel it's fake and she's  overcompensating cause of the they were for the previous 40+ yrs.
    thats my 2 cents do what you want with it

Thank You All! It really means alot to me, knowing that some can relate well, is "unreal" thinking! I know i am getting into a much better place now, just getting there is hard.  Thank you for keeping me in your prayers, that too means alot to me.  I have learned that there are 3 types of business, mine, others and God's. I cerainly don't belong in others peoples business, and well God's business is his own (just hoping he includes me!) I know I am just learning the spiritual side in me and boy never knew that exsisted before. Each day I try to look for all the good and not the negative, but the hurt part, when does that go away? Will it ever? These are the things I find confusing! Like trying to understand the "how's and why's? Growing up we were taught "not" to cry, but who ever said crying was wrong? I know I now have done my share and sometimes, well most of the times, a good cry does me well, but I still haven't changed things, see, still not understanding. Trying understand why my mother is the way she is just confuses me, and yes, I am learning from her mistakes, I would never allow one of my children to ever feel the pain that i feel, or my loving grandchildren.  I love them all and am not afraid to say I love you......and give higs and kisses all the time! My daughter is moving right now as we speak (for real) moving only 4 blocks away to be closer to me!! How lucky am I!!!!!!  She does not allow a day go by without calling me (like 4-5 times) and always ends by saying Love you Mom! I guess I am the lucky one! Thanks to all!

I truly understand where you are coming from (bigjay).  Will it bite me in the ass.....probably so. I guess the soul searching that i am doing is making things confusing for me.  I do send cards to my mother but for "dad" no I do not, not anymore.  I don't know what I will do the day either one passes away, I really don't.  Like I posted, good or bad comments I do want to hear, maybe I am wrong and this will make me understand, or maybe change the way i am thinking.  Thank you for taking the time to post, and yes it matters to me.

Hi again lyndalou,

There is one thing that you have gained out of all of this and this is the knowledge of how to love your children, how to treat your children and how to be a loving mother and grandparent.  Your bad experiences have made you a better person and if nothing else, you have that to be grateful for.  I know its a strange way to look at it - but knowing the hurt you have suffered, knowing the pain you have been through and are going through has made you more aware of how you treat your children which in turn has made them aware of how they treat their children and so it goes on.

I try to never regret anything in my life, I just try to learn from it and make sure that I dont do the bad things that other people do to me.  You have learned and you have made sure you don't do the bad things to others that have been done to you.

As for the hurt you feel - that will take a long time to go but you have to look at it like its not personal - you weren't the only child your mother has done this to and you werent the only child your "dad" has treated badly either.  Nobody but your mother can explain why she has been like she is and by the sound of things, nothing is ever going to change her.  But - at some time soon she may regret how she has been.  As long as you have no regrets, there is little more you can do but accept that she is how she is.

You've done everything you can, you've become a better person and you will never ever ever be like them.  Thank goodness for that.



blue

Drawing form the old days when I did family therapy.....Some things to consider.  I will be brief and concise.

First, do not under estimate the power of family of origin issues.  This is poweful stuff and always bigger than you are.

Second, you cannot change other people's behavior.  To attempt to do so almost always leads to a royal mess. 

Third, you can only change your OWN functioning within the family system.  Change you, change the system.  However, it is very, very hard doing this on your own; therefore, you need a "coach", a therapist, to process you through this. 

If you want further feeback how to find a good therapist, send me a PM.

Prayers for you....

I really didn't expect as many replys that I have gotten and want to thank each and every one of you! Yes I can see some must think I may need some counciling and such....I am now 46 years of age and all seems to be coming to a head I guess.  After starting my physical therapy, they also started some new things like the spiritual healing and other things just came into place.....wierd how things just happen.  I am truly confused in all aspects.  Like I said before, I talk w/ my younger brother all the time and it was just something that "came up" and he shared his feelings w/ me as I did him.  Never did it come up. have you talked to mom or dad or, sis etc. we just always talk about our everyday living and such. I think it was because neither of us wanted eachother to know what was happening to each other.  He always protected me throughout our growing up years and even now, still protecting my feelings.  I will never forget the sound of his voice when we had the heart to heart talk a couple of weeks ago and I thank God we did...alot came out, he too remembers, even that awful head bang between him and my sister kelly (u know the one who deleted me!) I really want to thank all of you that have replied, you all are very dear to me and it means ALOT! I think Self-healing is starting right here for me!

Yes....you are starting some good things!  Obviously a lot of people care about you on LCB!  Just my 2 cents.....keep getting professional counseling in mind.  My own family of origin was a giant MESS!  And I got help years ago and I am VERY glad I did.  The professional "coaching" is priceless....