Should parents have any right in deciding their childs future?

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    wnanhee

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        wnanhee

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        Do you think parents should have right in deciding their child's future?
        In worst scenario, somewhat forcing their children to take a certain decisions?


        To me it is a very wide and deep question but at the same time it's so simple since I was growing up in a culture that I was expected to obey not because of the rules which required complete obedience or remotely afraid if they might hurt me physically but mostly because I did not want to shame and disappointed my parents and family...and to be more frank, because that's just how it was.
        But raising a teenager in the same way I was brought up in a complete different society is a challenging and tough sometimes and it's also hard for my girl to follow the rules that are somewhat different from many others who don't have to follow two cultures....

        What do you think?
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        blueday

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          Very good question Nan. 

          I understand that it is your culture to follow what your parents say you should do, but how did you feel about that?  Did you feel it was the right thing to do what they asked or did you feel like you were being dictated to?   Did you achieve what your parents wanted?

          When my son decided he wanted to be a lawyer, I was behind him all the way.  I knew he was capable but I didn't think he had the patience to memorise all the case laws.  Nonetheless, I supported his choice.  Within just a few weeks, he determined it wasn't for him - "it's too boring".  He changed courses to computers and achieved a degree and again, I supported him.  When he finally went out into the big wide world to find a job, he didn't use the knowledge that he had learned.  Not only was he a Cisco Systems Network Engineer but he also had other computer language skills which would have given him a fab job.  He chose not to use his skills.   After about a year, I did finally speak to him about it and I told him that I didn't get myself deep in debt just so he could have a crap job that I could do without any degrees etc.  Fortunately for me he listened and he side stepped to the computer section in the same company he was working in at the time.  He is now a web developer and was selected to stay on in the job after a huge round of redundancies.  He loves the work because he is learning all the time, the pay is fantastic and he is very happy. 

          The point of me telling you the above story is that, whilst I didn't tell him what to study or that he should continue studying after school and college, I did try and lead him in the right direction after he was in the working world.  I wonder now, if he would have still be in the same job if I hadn't have said something to him.

          So in answer (finally I hear you cry) to your question, I think parents should sit back and just try to guide their children to the best outcome possible.  I always told my son, whatever you do, do your best and if you tell me you did your best, I will always be proud of you.

          blue
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          I agree with Blue, children shouldn't be forced to do something but you can't just ignore their choices, you have to at least try to talk some sense into them. Then again, I don't have any children so I might speak only from my experience as somebody's kid. I remember that I had quite a few arguments with my parents when I was in high school and I also remember that I was so stubborn that they always ended up by allowing me to do what I wanted. Then I left home at 18, got a job and went to college at the same time, they didn't have any problems with me ever since
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          Id have to say.....it depends, . I think it's a situations that just doesn't have an answer and has to be worked as its encountered.
          While you, blue might have have had a bright, educated mature son that you could 'allow' to make his own decisions and thus find his own way, others might not mature the same way and have the same decision-making abilities.
          Those who cry 'but wait, it's his life, therefore his decision to choose', how heartbroken you would be should that child turn around one day and say 'wow, i wouldn't have wasted my life if i'd listened to you; i was too young to know better'.
          Basically, for their own good, in some cases, and sometimes, parents need to and should make their kid's decisions for them. In others, no.
          So, what's the answer?
          There isn't one, ..there's no guidebook, no book of answers; it's different every time
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          Lipstick

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          I think it is a really tough call choosing your permanent vocation. When you are fresh out of high school there is a lot of hopes and dreams. We tend to fly by the seat of our pants thinking the world is our oyster. 

          Parents along the way give their children wings to fly not wanting to squash their vision. Even when it can sometimes be one of the most unattainable careers like a famous writer/poet, dancer or actor. Before the parents realize it their kid has woke up whether it is a dream to difficult to achieve or a career that makes very little money.

          I think in essence it is best to sit back and let your child go for their dreams because if you don't allow them that much they will always feel you held them back. Sooner or later every one of us come around the only problem is it costing lots of bucks down the drain until it does.

          I think Blue makes an excellent point in asking you Nan how you felt when you had such restrictions placed on yourself. Too often we tend to say "well i had to go thru so do you". When in reality it doesn't or shouldn't be that way.

          Your a damn good parent Nan and a very sensitive person to others and their feelings. Let that be your guide. It is your personal gift and i would use every part bit of it.

          Lips
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          blueday

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            I agree dt - some children do need more guidance as they may not be mature enough to make a decision (or even too lazy to make one) but I should add that at one point when my lad was "not really trying" I recall saying to him "if you want to work in MacDonalds, you just carry on the way you are".  I still would never have told him what to do - I could only give him pointers and guidance when needed and at the right time.

            Lips I agree totally.  Nan you are a great parent dealing with a very difficult time in your daughters life.  I'm confident you will guide her to where she needs to be.

            blue
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            wnanhee

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            It's kind hard to explain and you may not believe this but I never questioned or feel bad about the way I was endlessly pushed and pressured...like I said that just the way was for everyone pretty much and we were to accept.
            You see you gotta try to understand the difference in cultures and hope this maybe  a example of how different it was(is)...I had to go to school for 14 to 15 hours a day for six days a week straight due to the academic environment being so extremely competitive and even after that I had to attend private academies for another three hours so...that's proximately 6 to 7 hours or more of difference if you compare to majority schools in here.
            Kids in here generally have way too much freedoms mostly aftermath school's over (I m pretty sure everyone's different) and I am in no way of judging or saying which one's better but trying to explain.
            They(parents or teachers)didn't make or force me to do anything...well, they didn't have to because I saw the reality of what would happened if I didn't anyway but pushed me to do better and try to reach higher and I don't see anything wrong in that.
            To answer your question, I am not sure if I became someone who my parents expected to me to be or not but I think I gave a best shot at everything I have done so far.
            I too tell my girl each and everyday to do her best whatever she decides and wants to be even if she happens to fail...
            No matter what cultures, as parents, we only want the best for our children...that one fact is certain.
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            gabby

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            Great question and I totally understand your culture is much more about pleasing or making parents proud.

            MANY kids today have such a sense of Entitlement it's sickning.

            I've been very lucky. 

            I have a 20yr old daughter who has known she wanted to be an elem. teacher since she was 3.  She is starting her 3rd year of college (debt free so far..whoo-hoo), works as a nanny and teaches at a day care center.  Honestly never caused me a moment of trouble.  The worst I got was eye rolls.

            Son - 14.  Ugh. I have wondered what in the world will he do?  He's always talked about playing pro sports (of course), being a sports manager, announcer or such.  A few months ago, he announced he wants to go into Criminology and work for the FBI either as a detective or for the BAU (Behavior Analysis Unit) That is what I would want to do if I started over.

            Son 3 - 10  .... who the heck knows.  He's following his brothers sports dreams...that or work at Dave's Sport Shop.

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