I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Sorry if an old one - but very very funny.
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- Two guys would always meet at the local gambling den on Sat.
In the 20 years they played, they'd done ok.
One day as they came out of the den, a funeral procession was passing by.
One of the men took off his hat and bowed his head. As they got to their cars, the other one spoke.
"Damn, that was thoughtful John"
John replied "Well, tomorrow we would have been married 18 years"
(Yeah this was a take off of an old golfing joke).
- A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."
- Redhead at the Casino Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES!
I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
- Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.
Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!"
- A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker tonight” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious dear?”
“Oh yes, quite serious” said the doctor gravely with his best poker face. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
- A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
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