The Power Men Have...

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    Imagin.ation

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        Imagin.ation

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        I have a friend who has a man that is utterly .... grrrr i can't even say it.. i'm so mad either way..

        I'm gonna straight out say it.. he cheats on her, lies to her, treats her very badly, puts her down and calls her names, (she is VERY beautiful and smart though it may not seem like it) also is distant from his own child they have together and was recently caught trying to hit on a 16 yr old who IS a "non blood related cousin but is a cousin" family member.. he is 26 she is 22.. he has this control over her that is like she's hypnotized or brainwashed, she says she loves him and won't leave him, the minute we try and mention getting out of that relationship she clams up... he has this way of making things right when he does wrong (sweet talk, flowers, gifts and other stuff). She says when is is good he is really good and when he is bad he is really bad, she says that his good outweighs his bad, but when he does it she's misable and it NEVER fails to happen and each worse then the last. He has had 2 other females that have his children (these women seem retarded or something) no brains (maybe had brains before him and he destroyed them). I'm so worried this is gonna happen to her. She ALWAYS been strong headed and would never let men treat her or disrespect who she is but he is getting away with this.. i just don't know what to do (its alot more things he does but just this much is horrible).. it's like she's love sick and is weakened by it.. help.. if anyone knows what i'm talking about.. is or are there any powerful words that can get through to her before he takes her away, anything that can make her relaize this is not healthy for her and this child...
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        LhasaLover

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        Men only have as much power as we give them because we are the true power holders. 

        Unfortunately, there's probably nothing you can do except be her friend & be there for her when she decides she's had enough.  Is she financially capable of leaving him?  That's a HUGE issue when it comes to these situations.

        Not going into any stories, but "been there, done that", same as your girl (but with no kids), and he was physically abusive, too.  That was in a previous life, 30 yrs ago.  It took me 5 yrs to get away from him and I never told anyone about the abuse until afterwards; I was strong, smart & pretty, too, and way too embarassed to admit I was tolerating it.  It took me quite a while to get over it.

        Good luck with her. 
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        Imagin.ation

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        It's awful, because i too have never seen her like this, he even flirts and tries things with her own sister whom i'm very close with. Yes she is financially capable she has more money them him (he pays child support out the yang yang for his other children)

        It hurts me so much and i'm heartbroken over seeing her with him and knowing the things he does (we know more then she does) to tell her does no good.. but what is this power and WHY is it happening, what is she afraid of? She'd tell a man to F off in a quick second if he was doing wrong, now she can't even speak.. as far as physcial abuse.. there might possibly be some she is not letting us in on.. i've seen no evidence of it
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        Most likely something has knocked her off balance, esteem & pride wise.  It could be his cheating, or verbal abuse/making up, or the baby.  As long as she's off balance, she's not going to be able to handle it properly, or in her normal manner.  That's where being there for her comes in.
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        genenco

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        "Today, most of the good people are afraid to be good. They strive to be broadminded and tolerant. It is fashionable to be tolerant but mostly tolerant of evil and this new code has reached the proportions of demanding intolerance of good."
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        I have met both sides in something like this. She's "Hopelessly" infatuated with the male and he is the same way. She/He can do no wrong and if they did, the other side ignores it.

        The only thing you can do, is wait till either she wises up, or he leaves her...Either way, it'll be an emotional train wreck.
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        LhasaLover

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        genenco wrote:
        ...Either way, it'll be an emotional train wreck.


        Too true.
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        BIGLEAN

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        I have a friend like that for 32 years, 24 of which she has been with him :'(
        We are still friends and I never give up trying to talk to her, but I have given up hope that my words will ever penetrate!

        They have 5 kids together and she has a daughter she had before him, they would of had six together but he MADE her get an abortion when they first started dating :'( (that would of NEVER happened with me. I would of told him to go abort his damn self)

        She is BEAUTIFUL, Very SMART, PATIENT, LOVING, LOYAL, damn GOOD mom, THOUGHTFUL, FUNNY, EXCELLENT provider and so much more.
        He is a BUM to the 10th power, not attractive at all(not being funny, but he looks like a gorilla), an ALCOHOLIC, CHEATER(don't know how, but I guess there are a lot of women who are attracted to gorilla's ), A HORRIBLE father and I could go on and on!

        He has never, ever helped pay rent, ever! He has wrecked every single one of her cars, even a brand new one she only got to drive once. And then he sued her insurance company got approx $17,000 and she didn't see one penny

        She has been the sole provider and at times it is a struggle with 6 kids, correction 7 kids(him) and one time his parents sent her a check for $300.00 to put groceries in the house for the kids and he stole it, cashed it and needless to say, they never saw a dime or a dozen of eggs!

        He has never hit her, but he has came in pissy DRUNK and got into fights with the kids. Fist fights where he has socked his ONLY daughter square in the face! He has even hit her mom ( I would of killed him)
        He has also come home DRUNK(always) beat up and bloody, without her car and not know where he left it!

        He has left her stranded at work ALOT, as well as the kids. She has had to be interrupted from work to find a way for them to get home from school or the YMCA!

        He has tried to hit on me(flirt) and any of her other friends right in front of her. Actually I am her only friend who stuck around. The others sadly gave up on her. I kind of don't blame them, because it is really PAINFUL to watch!

        I could go on forever, but anyway, finally her oldest daughter(not his) said we are getting out of here, getting an apartment together and he will NOT be allowed to come. She told him if he did try to, she would mace him and call the police! Her daughter is VERY strong and she don't play that mess!

        So finally last year she made the move and has been away from him for 7 months and he doesn't know where they live! He surprisingly has even been helping her put(a little) food in the house for the kids that are still home(3)! Until recently he has stopped and told her "No, I will not buy food for the house, but I will cook at my house, but it is a package deal, all of you have to come!" " You and the 3 kids or nothing at all!" What a CLOWN!

        She didn't fall for it...... until her strength(daughter) went out of town for vacation. And one of her other daughters told me just about a week ago that her mom has been creeping out late night to go to his house  :'(

        How do you finally start exhaling, healing, reconnecting with friends and family again and then just voluntarily jump back in a, ditch, pit, swamp, hornets nest, fire,  a freaking burial. That is exactly what it does to her, it takes all the life out of her.
        I don't think she has really been able to truly start exhaling because she is worried about the wrong thing! She keeps asking me why has he not helped her pay any bills in all these years, but he can now go and get his own apartment and keep it up! In my mind I said " I guess gorilla season is over, no on is willing to house a gorilla for free  LOL) I know that is so mean, but I really don't like him at all!

        This is her time to breathe and be free! Why would she care bout why, how, who, when, where, I don't understand! I do know this, is she is not a person who is not comfortable with change and I mean any change! From hair style, to clothing, to jobs...

        I am from the same school as LhasaLover, women have the power! It is all in how you know how to use it. Our power is just like money, "if you use it foolishly, you will have none!"
        Ladies, don't give your power away for free! I give my husband some, but believe me it is not for free, it's the way I give it to him that makes him think he got it for free


        Wow I just done told all my friends lil' business, bless my heart


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        BIGLEAN

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        Geesh, I didn't know it was that long, I should of got it published, it will take you 3 days to read it
        Sorry, when I get on that subject it just comes pouring out, so blame it on imagin.ation

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        blueday

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          Very sad stories indeed Imagin and Slot.

          I have suffered at the hands of a violent, womanising alcoholic in the past and that lasted 5 years.  The violence started 3 weeks after we got married.

          I found myself thinking that I can't manage without him, I love him, it will pass, he won't do it again.  In fact, none of these things were true.  I did manage without him, I didn't love him, it didn't pass and he did do it again.  The womanising alcoholic in my life was having an affair 6 months before I eventually left him (he told me this after the divorce).  After the divorce, he married this woman he had been having an affair with.  This lasted 7 years and she just packed her bags and left him one night after work.  I understand that he is now living with a woman who is violent to him.  He also is suffering with cancer.

          Only the woman suffering has the power to stop this- they will not listen to you.  They probably don't believe you (but "secretly" they know you are talking sense and it's true).  Burying your head in the sand is a classic move when you don't really want to face the problem head on.  The only way they will get to realise how badly they are being or have been treated is if another man that they find attractive treats them with respect and makes them feel like a human again.

          Yes men have a power but when they misuse that power, they lose the power and it takes a really strong person to walk away from what they believe is the truth i.e. that their man loves them and only them.

          Truth of the matter is that you are right Slot Junkie - we do have the power and we learn how to use it as we get older, wiser and know where the invisible line is drawn that no man dare cross.

          I could go on and on but I won't.  The above is a very brief few thoughts.

          blue
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          BIGLEAN

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          Wow blue, good for you getting in such a short time.
          My mom was a 10 year victim and then she met the most wonderful caring man ever! My step dad, they have been married for 34 years! He has never laid a hand on her or us and has always looked out for our best interest!

          Once you find a good one you know the major difference and you will NEVER give up your power like that again!
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          Joseph Kennedy

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          What a moving story Blueday.  You carry yourself so well I never dreamed you had been through what you've just described.  Bravo for moving on before you lost hope. 

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          LhasaLover

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          Heart-wrenching stories, Slot & Blue.  Slot, I hope your friend gets out.

          I chose a completely opposite man for my 2nd husband, and that didn't work out either.  *-*  LOL  That divorce was 13 years ago & I don't even date anymore; and I'm completely content.

          PS - When I'm trying to teach younger women about female power, I teasingly tell them that "men spend their entire lives trying to crawl back into what they came out of in the first place - now tell me who has the power??"  It shocks them, but they think about it afterwards, and that's what matters. 
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          BIGLEAN

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          LhasaLover wrote:

          Heart-wrenching stories, Slot & Blue.  Slot, I hope your friend gets out.

          I chose a completely opposite man for my 2nd husband, and that didn't work out either.      That divorce was 13 years ago & I don't even date anymore; and I'm completely content.

          PS - When I'm trying to teach younger women about female power, I teasingly tell them that "men spend their entire lives trying to crawl back into what they came out of in the first place - now tell me who has the power??"  It shocks them, but they think about it afterwards, and that's what matters. 


          OMG! I love it, it is so true! Never heard it that way before. Now I got a new one to tease my husband with!
          I hope she can get out too! I pray for her all the time!
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          Thanks for sharing such heartfelt stories Blue and Slot.

          I know it is never easy to put it out there and the courage you have taken blue is commendable. And i am sure you feel if it will help even one person it's all worth it.

          Slot i feel your pain and frustration. Ya just want to take them and shake them!

          I don't know why women tolerate or feel it's ok to be degraded. I know for myself i am a pretty strong independent woman. But i have to admit there has been situations i have been in where i have said "i would never tolerate that" and i did!

          My point being that even though your strong it's tough to accept that it's just time to move on. Especially when you love a person so deeply and suddenly they change. We look for excuses because we want to hold on so desperately to the love we once thought was the real deal.

          Staying in a bad relationship isn't always a powerless woman, it's the weak at heart. Without trying to sound cliche, love is a very powerful emotion. We don't just love everyone person we see on a street corner. When you give in to it, it can be very hard to unravel it. Until they get the courage to see they are going to be much happier without them, then with them, they will continue to stay.

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          try being in a same sex relationship..it's 2X the man...2X the miserable attitude ; no woman to moderate it or bring it down a notch

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