To Tell or Not to Tell..

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          Mighty! Member
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        If you had a man that cheated on you, would you prefer him to confess to you or not? I was reading an article about what men think after they have cheated, most said it was "the heat of the moment, it was made too easy for them, it was out of boredom,  it was in retailiation of her cheating on him, or to try somthing new as in other men.." Most chose to tell because they felt the current relationship was no good and figured this was the best way out, or told to clear it off their chest hopng they would be forgiven, then some wouldn't dare choosing to keep it a secret because of the fear in facing the reality of what they did and also knowing to be the cause of pain to their woman. But out of all the men, none were happy about it, they were embarrassed and caused guilt to live within their heart and soul, and none of the cheated relationships ever came of anything.

        Here's my story...
        About 13 years i spent with my daughters father, the relationship was rocky time to time, we had our good times and i admit alot of bad times.. he drank, gambled, did drugs that type of situation and i was the opposite, i dealt with it as best i could and still always had good words and thoughts for this man, he was a good father and provider.. one day i was on my way to the store and from a distance i saw her father getting out of a car in the parking lot, he walked over to the drivers side and was kissing this person whom i recognized by the car as a woman who worked with him.. as i walked up closer they saw me, he walked away from the car and she drove towards me as to run me over, i had to dive out of the way, i  remember saying something like what the hell are you doing, i was still trying to grasp this image, did i see him kissing her, did i just experience her trying to run me over, and why.. wake up.. "ill see you at home" i said.. When i got home he was waiting for me, as i was putting the stuff away he said, come here and sit down and i did that.. He starts off with "ive been no angel over these years" so arrogantly and cruel and then begins to confess over 20 relationships, one night stands and affairs with his ex wife, he describe them, knew the dates, the whens and hows, the exact words he told me and what i said to him as he did them.. i did not say one word, it was torment i only listened, i can still remember my body,my heart and soul slowly slumping into the chair i was in, my face slipping into my fingers, and can still feel how painful it was, i was sick to my gut.. every piece of trust, faith, belief, loyalty, every good thought and memory i ever had of him in these past years disinerated, every time he walked out that dooor..every thing he did was a lie.. i could not live another moment with him, just about hated him, all it took was 30 minutes of these dumb ass confessions to toss out 13 years..

        i would of prefered that he never confessed, to NOT tell and allow me to think the good things i thought of him

        what i did ultimately was i called that co-worker up and said, "linda this is viv, you ready to come get this man and his child?" she was stunned by my call.. her answer was this... "now what would i look like taking care of a child?" i laughed and hung up .. i threw him out, clothes and all, then i left the state and moved 2000 miles away.. i didn't speak to him for 2 years, but was told that he completely fell apart, that he could not view a picture of us nor hear our names without breaking down in tears..

        Not to Tell

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        Well, I think that honesty is the best policy so I prefer full confessions no matter how painful they might be. However, I'm very sorry that you had to go through this Imagin.
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          Mighty! Member
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        Imagin... that is so sad... but I truly admire how candid you are in telling it... and your decision not to know may be what would feel right to you...

        For my part, to have the honest truth would be my preference... I have been on the other side with him denying that he was or had been doing anything... he was still denying it when he walked out on me... and that lying was like a final insult to all we had ever been... and a source of most of the pain I felt afterward... to this day the one thing I can not tolerate is dishonesty in a relationship... it is a destroyer of all that is good... to have the truth and be done with it would be closure for me.

        katt
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        That had to be so tough Imagin. I would rather know. The pain goes away but living blindly with someone that could do that is worse. Be glad that you know because you deserve better. If he is a good father and provider then that is a benefit to your daughter. He just isn't a good enough man for you. 
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        I can tell the pain you felt and still feel from your story Imagin.  Better to know rather than be cheated on for another 13 years?  He must have loved you more than he realised to break down every time he saw a picture of you or heard your name.

        They say the "grass is always greener" but it never is and I think he found that out the hard way.

        You're brave to share your story and you made a brave move to throw him out like that and move away.  They say time is a healer but the pain never really leaves you, it just gets a little easier to deal with.

        Personally, I would rather he confessed than live a lie.

        blue
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        You are all right with what you have said, i guess it's better he confessed.. through all those years with him, i never thought he cheated, he did other things, it didn't cross my mind that he had, but then had to reflect back at those tmes i thought he was working overtime for our family, or went to help a friend in need, the women who smiled in my face but were screwing him on the downlow, the visit to his ex wife to talk about his other childrens problems, the nights out with his friends..it was very painful to know now what he was actually doing and what a fool i was to have beleived,trusted and had faith him that he was doing the right things, many years were wasted in my life to a man like that, his confession should have came 10 years earlier, made me more mad at how selfish he was and knowing i was never truely loved..
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        You bring up a very interesting topic imagin. And sometimes you wonder if knowing the truth was really the best thing. The pain and devastation can haunt you for a long time to come not to mention what is does to your psyche when it comes to trust and can greatly effect you for the rest of your life.

        It all seems so obvious that we all want the truth especially when we are betrayed but maybe just walking out is a much better scenario. Sometimes people can be honest to a fault and i believe they are not so much being honorable as it is to ease their own conscious.

        And that to me is being selfish. If someone wants to confess that is one thing but is it really necessary to go over every single detail. What justification is there in that?

        Lips
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        Thank you, you put my point out and understood.. after 13 years i probably could of worked it out with him and this one person, my little family was very important to me, the strength to do it would have been in the years behind us.. if he felt the guilt of doing this all the years through i'd rather of him confessed to a pastor or priest or a good friend and spare me this life long pain, i'm almost robbed of the abilty to trust, have faith and beleive in a relationship.. it haunts is very true, it's been hard to forgive and forget..though i have not given up hope in a wonderful relationship and true love, i know it's out there..

        My advice is, if it is in the past let it go, don't open up your closet and allow those skeletons to spill all over those that love you, keep your dirty secrets, if you are feeling guilty forgive yourself and don't do it anymore.
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        You are quite a little lady. I like your style and way of thinking. Keep them skeletons hidden there aint no gain in pain.
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        From the psychologists perspective.  If you cheat and you own that is was a mistake, you are remorseful and you'll not go it again, then DO NOT CONFESS. 

        If you are a serial cheater, then you need to confess because your spouse deserves the chance to get out of the marriage and get a new life without you.
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        Its not in the heat of the moment.  I should know because I was a slut.  Ok, I admit I was a dumb slut.  When I was married I went once to Nashville, Tn. to meet in person a woman named Gloria.  I met her at work on the phone.  She didnt tell me she had boyfriend or I wouldnt have gone.  Pretty blond but rough around the edges.  Besides not knowing she had a boyfriend here she was a biker chick.  So, no action there.  Then there was Carrie up in Columbus, Oh.  Met her on the phone at a different job.  Made 4 trips there for bowling tournaments with her.  Carrie knew I was married so no action there in my 4 trips.  But things changed after I filed for divorce.  I almost died from being exhausted from dating 4 different females at one time.  Then I got my final divorce papers and got rid of all 4 so I could live a peaceful life all alone with my 3 dogs.  Then I started meeting married females online and the fun started again.  There was nothing better than married females that were neglected.  I became exhausted again so I stopped that nonsense.  Next was meeting Robin online and her moving here and in with me from Missouri.  After 8 months she moved out then got married and I have grown old alone for the last 8 years.  Robin has been calling me for the last month or so again.  Her marriage has gone to hell as her husband's high school sweet heart is back in his life.  Even though I dont want her emotionally or physically back in my life it looks like her and her 2 little mini schnauzers are moving in late this year or next year.  God help me and Ms. Lottie Lab.  Thank god Robin, the ex nympho isnt interested in me again.  I told her I would move Sandy a different ex girlfriend's stuff she left behind out of the spare bedroom and she could sleep there.  Thank god I am totally out of online gambling money so its time to get the house in order.
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        "There was nothing better than married females that were neglected."

        I see and hear about this alot, what is so good about it?

        Doc or Gunny?
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        They are fun play toys.  And I cancel my last couple of lines I typed.  My ex girlfriend is acting like a crazy byche.  After driving me crazy all last nite and on her lunch break at work today she decided to knock on my front door on the way home from work setyting Ms. Lottie Lab into a frenzy.  I went out on my porch to deal with her and that pissed her off.  When she raised her voice after 2 minutes I raised my hands, told her good luck and went back into the house after wishing her good luck.  When a person has to deal on a daily parents in their mid 80's whose health keeps getting worse the last thing a person needs is a crazy ex girlfriend driving u crazy.

        This comment is rated PG for 1 bad word.
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        gunnylab wrote:

        They are fun play toys. 


        lol.. oh my goodness, i thought there'd be a more sensitive answer then this, neglected and miseribly made by a husband, then thought of by other men as fun play toys? But then again..maybe being a fun play toy to another man might be the only excitement.. and then still regardless of her situation she's still a woman who needs love and tenderness.
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        "There was nothing better than married females that were neglected."

        I see and hear about this alot, what is so good about it?

        Doc or Gunny?

        Well, in all fairness, men AND women are very vunerable after a break up/ divorce.  If there are any self esteem problems, usually within a short time the newly single person is in the sack, having some above average sex and THINKING they have found "true love!"  This, however, is rarely, if ever, the case.  They have NOT found true love, they are medicating their loneliness with rebound relationship.

        The REAL problem is when a recently divorced/ separated single parent who is doing this!  This is very distructive and disfuncational.  Kids who just had the family break up DO NOT need a mom who is hopping in the sack in order to sooth her bad, lonely self esteem!  Don't do it, Mom, DON'T do it!!!

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