When a loved one commits suicide how to cope

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    tinker

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        tinker

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        I consider myself a strong person, someone who can pretty much deal with what life throws my way until now. I am lost for words and overcome with grief from a tragedy that I never thought would happen in my family in a million years. My mother found out she had terminal cancer two weeks ago and decided to take her own life last Wednesday. I'm in utter shock and disbelief. I can't wrap my head around it. I need some advice on how to deal with this and move forward because I am just a mess and then some. How she killed herself I think is the hardest thing for me to overcome.
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        LhasaLover

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        I'm so sorry to hear this, Tinker.  I can't imagine what you must be going through, but it must be awful.  You didn't even have time to adjust to her being terminally ill before she took her life, so I understand you're in shock.  You should probably try to find a grief counseling group to help you through this, if you can.

        I'm terminally ill myself, so maybe I can help you understand her point of view?  I don't know what kind of cancer she had, or how much time they gave her, but she must've been very scared.  Fear of not knowing how much she was going to have to go thru before she died; fear of the pain and suffering she was definitely going to experience; fear of being a burden to her family and friends, just the plain fear of knowing what's going to happen but not knowing when.  All this leads to the feeling of a total loss of control over one's life in any way, and a complete feeling of hopelessness.  For some people, the only way to take control back is to make the decision themselves about when they're going to die, which is what she did.

        I have end stage COPD, but that means I could die next week, or 10 years from now.  In the meantime I struggle to get thru each day.  I'm not in a lot of pain, but struggle for breath & for oxygen with every movement, and it's exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I'm just trudging towards death one step at a time, and with no hope of recovery and only worsening conditions to look forward to, suicide is always on my mind as an option for me

        I hope this helps you understand her point of view a little, and perhaps forgive her.  I also hope you get help from somewhere because you need it - anyone would after going through this with a parent.  God bless.
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        masskat

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        you poor thing..my deepest sympathy from the inside of my heart.  Your mom may have asked the question..what will happen to me over the next weeks, months etc?. or even researched it and made a decision that she did not want her family to see her like that or even perhaps to have to care for her..mother's do things in the name of love sometimes that may not seem rationale to other people..or she may just have decided to not want to experience what was in her sooner rather than later future. Most people do not know the depths in which those they leave behind suffer as a result of their decision but I have always been a firm believer that everyone has the right to decide when they leave this earth and I also believe they feel it is the right decision not just for themselves but for others as well even if "others" suffer at the beginning, in time they will move on and be ok.
        For some that is not true and they live with the pain for their life, to lose someone in such a harsh way.  If you believe in God ask him for the strength and the comfort you need at this time and in future moments of sadness.  If you do not believe in God try to believe that your mom is where she chose to be, wherever that may be in her beliefs.  Do not hesitate to talk this out with someone who is not closely affected by this or to seek counseling. I did when my mom died when I was 24 and it helped enormously.  I will think of you often and truly hope you will come to a clearer understanding of the place where her thoughts were when she made this decision.  Take care..wrapping you in love and faith.
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        Markotik

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        I'm very sorry to hear that tinker. Please, accept my deepest condolences.

        My grandfather killed himself when I was 14 and only later did I get a chance, and awareness, to deal with that issue. I would suggest you to, as LhasaLover and masskat have already done, ask and talk with a professional; that really can help a lot. It can help you go through it, and even though you won't be able to fully understand the situation, it might help you come to terms with what happened.
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        blueday

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          I'm so very sorry to read your story Tinker.  I can't even try to imagine what you are going through.  Losing a loved one is hard enough through natural causes let alone in this way.

          I found something which may or may not help you - read it here.  It might not help you right now but it may in the near future.  If you only get one thing from it, then it will have been worth your while reading it.

          I agree you should really seek some help to get through this.  It will be very tough to deal with on your own.

          Thinking of you x
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          Johnny Karp

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          "Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game." -- Michael Jordan

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          So sorry to hear that Tinker, I can understand how you feel because I think I felt just about the same way last year when my father suddenly passed away. Technically he didn't take his own life but practically he did by constantly refusing to get the help that he needed.

          How to cope with something like this? I honestly don't know because I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of that myself even though it's been just over a year since then. Just cry when you feel like it, don't be ashamed to cry. And try to focus on the beauty of life, time will heal the wound. It will never be completely healed but the pain will become bearable at some point.
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          givennsz

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          So sorry for your loss and pain tinker...I have no advice, but wanted to tell you that you and your family are in my prayers and thoughts. Hugs to you my friend. God Bless!
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          Karen De Falco

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          I am so sorry.  I know it is really difficult and I do know where you are coming from. You will be in my prayers.
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          Valkyrie3

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          I am sorry for your loss.  Truly.

          I have no advice, but wanted to share a thought.  I truly believe your mother is healthy and well now.  She is likely watching over you and wanting to help you cope with this. 

          My heart felt prayers are with you. 
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          Feelin froggy

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          I am truly sorry to both you and your family ♥
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          ciprian-constantin.tatut

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          I'm so sorry for your loss. I  can't do anything for you, only to give my support and to say that you are in my  thoughts.Think that someday everything will pass, all the pain. God Bless!

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